Metamorphosed

18-August-'09

2009-08-18T19:04:00.002+09:00

And a world existed beneath that placid lake, a world nobody knew of.

Dark, as the very depths of hell.

Violence, that betrayed violence itself.

It frightened her, to venture there, close as it was to her.

Night after night she sat, desperate for a cure.

But there came none, willing to enter.

None - willing to brave the sorrow.

None - who even knew.

For there was none

Who took the trouble;

The trouble to know her at all.

A (fond?) farewell...

2009-06-03T10:06:00.001+09:00

So I sit here in my room (Funny how all my entries start that way, eh?), with only my laptop for company, and a constant chain of ponderings running through my idle mind. The surprise is that, despite the optimism that comes to me naturally, I can think of nothing, but everything I don’t have.

I’ve spent majority of the last year, getting used to my newfound freedom, and in spite of my fierce independence, I almost resent it. My first year at university is coming to an end, and I think back over the last 9 months, weighing my gains and my losses.

My losses, although minimal to the strange eye, have been magnanimous. I have no dearth of material pleasures, never have. Yet life has never seemed quite as empty as it has in this past year.

I lost friends – not literally – rather, the delusions I’d so carefully built up around the concept, and hence, gained reality, perhaps?

I gained a sense of self worth, as strong as it has ever been – yet lost my confidence in my own choices, due to a lack of nothing more than respectable validation.

I had time on my hands, as much as anyone would ever wish for – and I used most of it constructively, in a constant endeavour to improve upon who I am. Perfection, I want not, for such a thing does not exist. I only wish to be the best I can be.

In the process, I lost all sense of belonging, anywhere.

I gained the ability to survive on my own – and I lost the capability to depend, on anything, or anyone. Even the night, my sole stable companion, grows shorter day by day.

I gained the ability to think for myself – while simultaneously losing the chance to share those revelations.

I read, watched and heard things that brought me inexpressible joy – yet in the riddance of my delusions, lost the pleasure of being able to share those with someone who would appreciate them.

I gained the opportunity to live life to its fullest extent – and I lost it, for I have yet to learn how to do so alone.

Once stripped of my childish fantasies (as some would call them), I gained some perspective – and lost hope.

I sat here, imprisoned in these 4 walls, living vicariously through the grandeur of great lives – lives well spent, lives lived. And I tried, oh I tried, to find a way to walk in those huge footsteps.

I might have succeeded, I might not have. I know not, and perhaps it is for the better.

I achieved some things – they might not be great – but the momentary joy they brought me was invaluable.

I also went down paths I’m not proud of – paths that would break the hearts of those few who still care – and for that I apologise. I only hope to be given a second chance, and I promise I shall try and do better.

I watched some beautiful movies – and I revelled in the endings – happy and tragic, likewise – with a dream of attaining either.

I gained the ability to laugh, to cry, to sing, like no one is watching – for no one was – I gained the courage to be myself again.

Yet there followed the insecurity of what someone would say if they were watching.

I gained individuality – and pride at being my own person – at the cost of being incomprehensible to most around me.

I won some, and I lost some. And I learned, for myself, the essence behind these wise words – “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”

A wise man (The wisest I know) has repeatedly told me – It’s lonely at the top.

And I know, all too well, what he meant.

For the fleeting moments of joy I had, I am thankful – to myself – for I can safely say they were my own doing.

For my innumerable moments of weakness and despondency – I apologise – to the person I am, to the person I aspire to be, and to my family.

To describe this last year, I could use any number of adjectives, both negative and positive, and they would all be true.

I end this piece with the very little shred of hope I have left – hope that the next year shall see a trifle more joy, a trifle less despondency.

Hope that I will be able to seek solace in the company of a human being, rather than facebook.

Hope that I won’t lose the ability to hope.

...

2009-05-13T06:14:00.006+09:00

Expressing to morons is like emotional liposuction - The 'Easy' way out.

- Varnika Kundu

Mon ami.....

2009-05-02T12:19:00.004+09:00

Three past the bewitching hour,

And the time is come, for all,

That is mine.

The tender zephyr,

That dandles my hair.

The gentle cream of that distant orb –

That oldest of my loves, whose gaze is a ceaseless armour,

Upon my timid soul.

The tiny beads of white flames,

That shower upon me the hushed luminosity of their adoration –

An urgent beckoning.

That ebon veil, with folds of smoky grey -

Ushers in an eternity’s worth of camaraderie.

I step outside my house,

And into my home.

The quietude – a reprise of the womb whence I sprung -

A sober whisper of reassurance.

Three past the bewitching hour,

Mon ami est là.

The House with Nobody in it - Joyce Kilmer

2009-04-27T12:01:00.000+09:00

Whenever I walk to Suffern along the Erie track
I go by a poor old farmhouse with its shingles broken and black.
I suppose I've passed it a hundred times, but I always stop for a minute
And look at the house, the tragic house, the house with nobody in it.

I never have seen a haunted house, but I hear there are such things;
That they hold the talk of spirits, their mirth and sorrowings.
I know this house isn't haunted, and I wish it were, I do;
For it wouldn't be so lonely if it had a ghost or two.

This house on the road to Suffern needs a dozen panes of glass,
And somebody ought to weed the walk and take a scythe to the grass.
It needs new paint and shingles, and the vines should be trimmed and tied;
But what it needs the most of all is some people living inside.

If I had a lot of money and all my debts were paid
I'd put a gang of men to work with brush and saw and spade.
I'd buy that place and fix it up the way it used to be
And I'd find some people who wanted a home and give it to them free.

Now, a new house standing empty, with staring window and door,
Looks idle, perhaps, and foolish, like a hat on its block in the store.
But there's nothing mournful about it; it cannot be sad and lone
For the lack of something within it that it has never known.

But a house that has done what a house should do,
a house that has sheltered life,
That has put its loving wooden arms around a man and his wife,
A house that has echoed a baby's laugh and held up his stumbling feet,
Is the saddest sight, when it's left alone, that ever your eyes could meet.

So whenever I go to Suffern along the Erie track
I never go by the empty house without stopping and looking back,
Yet it hurts me to look at the crumbling roof and the shutters fallen apart,
For I can't help thinking the poor old house is a house with a broken heart.

Ode on Solitude

2009-04-27T11:48:00.001+09:00

Oh the sweet irony that is life..........

How happy he, who free from care

The rage of courts, and noise of towns;

Contented breathes his native air,

In his own grounds.

II.

Whose herds with milk, whose fields with bread,

Whose flocks supply him with attire,

Whose trees in summer yield him shade,

In winter fire.

III.

Blest! who can unconcern'dly find

Hours, days, and years slide swift away,

In health of body, peace of mind,

Quiet by day,

IV.

Sound sleep by night; study and ease

Together mix'd; sweet recreation,

And innocence, which most does please,

With meditation.

Thus let me live, unheard, unknown;

Thus unlamented let me die;

Steal from the world, and not a stone

Tell where I lie.

Alexander Pope

...

2009-04-13T13:57:00.000+09:00

“There's no reality except the one contained within us. That's why so many people live an unreal life. They take images outside them for reality and never allow the world within them to assert itself.”
- Herman Hesse

India

2009-04-12T12:22:00.001+09:00

I drank in the warmth of his embrace.

The smouldering sun smiled upon us with all of its affection.

I drew in a long, deep breath- the gasp of one who has too long been deprived of her air.

The rich dust mingled with the dark smoke, with an inkling of the scent from a public toilet.

My feet caressed the searing gravel, that once was an obscure fact.

My ears witnessed a kaleidoscope of sounds- Oh! The sweetest that ever were heard; the brawling tramps, the rickety scooters, the constant vendor babble, the ceaseless honking.

I opened my eyes to a life no other peoples possessed.

He smiled, and a tear abandoned my eyelash.

I was home.

Penelope

2009-03-29T06:10:00.002+09:00

Twenty winters she waited
Her affections wavered not.
We know now how our eyes might see,
But oh! What a beauty she was!

Eight and hundred suitors there were,
Their pursuit, relentless.
The adoration, though she did enjoy
Her heart, on Odysseus, was set.

A vagrant then did arrive, appallingly audacious
"To marry Penelope, my sole desire."
"One condition," she declared,
"Odysseus' bow thou shalt string- the arrow, pierce twelve axe shafts.
The victor, my mate shall be."
A soft snicker, she settled to watch,
For the bow would yield to none but Odysseus.

The beggar, victorious did emerge
Incredible, though it seemed.
Thus spake he,"It is I, Odysseus, my love.
To thy fidelity, I do bow."

Things that made me smile today.... :)

2009-03-14T12:17:00.001+09:00

oh MY this is my 4th or 5th post today...

I AM on a roll :-p

Things that made me smile today:

1. Watching “Sita sings the Blues”... thanx Bhai J

2. The most amazing group called “You know you grew up in India in the 90s when...”. for reference, here’s the link - http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=19085481352

3. The fact that I saw dark clouds outside, opened the window, and the smell of rain just sprinted right in J

4. Looking up potential buy-able guitars on ebay... although most of the ones that made me smile weren’t quite as kind on the pocket :-p

5. My on-going status-convo with well, you guys know who you are :-p

6. The fact that in the last week I’ve gotten in touch with at least 3 people I haven’t talked to in ages!!!

7. Someone complimenting me on my Blog and telling me that she’s a religious follower........... ( possibly the biggest compliment I could receive right now JJJJ)

8. The “window-pelters” – yes it’s annoying mostly, but it’s fun and I wish I could do it back!!!! Of course, here is why you would ask why I don’t, and the answer to that, I’m afraid, eludes even myself!

9. Frasier J

10. The fact that my best friend’s still “GOT IT”. That’s just cute :-p

11. The ‘realisation’ that I sleep exactly 10 hours a night( well, mostly nights :-p)no more and no less.

12. The fact that I called a friend of dad’s who lives in UK, and was actually mumbling incoherently for the first minute of the call just because I couldn’t figure out whether it’s more appropriate to call him “uncle” or Mr......

13. The guitar solo in “Brown Sugar” by the Rolling Stones – just the part from 0:15 to 0:30!!!!

14. A phone call from a friend... “ELLLUUUUUUUUUU” – you know who you are :-p

15. YES, the other friend is NOT forgotten... I love you just as much.. there... I said it, even though you stood me up tonight.. “ OH YEAAA I’ll DEFINITELY come online TONIGHT.”

16. Another realisation, about an actual pleasure that facebook, and ONLY facebook has made possible – I choose not to elucidate on that!

17. What? 16 points isn’t enough for you? :-p CIAO!!!

You know you grew up in India in the 90s when......

2009-03-14T11:56:00.003+09:00

I did NOT make this list up ( although it is one of the many many things i soooo wish i had!!!)

And i made a point of thanking the person who DID think of this.......

I almost cried( THAT perhaps owing to the fact that being as homesick as I perpetually am, ANYTHING even remotely India-related tends to make me cry :-p)

It is BEAUTIFUL :):):)

1) You know the words to ‘In-pin-safety-pin’ and ‘akkad-bakkad’ by heart
2) Cricket is almost a religion for you, and you idolize at least one of Kapil Dev/Rahul Dravid/Sachin Tendulkar/Saurav Ganguly
3) You have read at least some Chacha Chaudhary or Tinkle comics
4) You’ve watched Shaktimaan on TV at least once in your life. And you can immediately recognize the character when you see him.
5) You have some ‘NRI’ relatives.
6) You couldn’t wait for it to be December so you could have the Toblerone chocolates your NRI relatives brought you
7) You watched Cartoon Network, and then the late night movies on TNT that came after Cartoon Network ended.
8) You watched corny dubbed versions of Small Wonder, Silver Spoon, and I Dream of Jeanie
9) You were THRILLED when McDonald’s opened in your neighborhood (or even eight kilometers away)
10) Your first burgers were at Wimpy’s or Nirula’s.
11) A visit to Pizza Hut used to mean a special treat
12) You have seen Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun at least 5 times each
13) You still remember the theme song to Hum Paanch.
14) You have played hours upon hour of Pukdam-pakdai, oonch-neech, kho-kho, ‘Doctor, doctor, help us!’, ‘Lock and key’
15) You have played ‘Uma Joshi’ more times than you can remember.
16) Dog ‘in’ the bone was your favorite co-ed game.
17) Much of your free time in school was spent playing UNO.
18) You collected trump cards of wrestlers, cricketers, and airplanes, and did not quite understand why your younger siblings were obsessed with Pokemon and the other Japanese trends that followed.
19) Your summer vacations were often synonymous with visiting your grandparents
20) Your parents, at some point, told you ‘Dark Room’ was a bad game to play. But you still loved playing it.
21) Bole mere lips, I love uncle Chips!
22) You know the song ‘Made in India’ by Alisha Chinoi
23) You have seen many many many episodes of ‘Antakshri’ on Zee TV and know the only thing constant in the show is Anu Kapoor.
24) Amy evenings have been spent watching little kids gyrate vulgarly on Boogie Woogie on Sony.
25) You were the coolest thing in class if you had a computer in your house while it was still the 90s.
26) You learnt LOGO in school!
27) You couldn’t wait to start 4th/6th standard so you could start writing with PENS instead of with pencils!
28) You often use terms and phrases like ‘kutti’, ‘abba’, ‘same to you, back to you, with no returns’, and ‘shame shame, puppy shame, all the donkeys know your name.’
29) You most probably saw Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge at the cinema at least once. You also fantasized about singing songs in mustard fields as in the movie.
30) You have seen David Dhawan and Govinda movies and laughed at them.
31) You have said ‘haw’ or ‘haw ji ki pwji’ when you saw people kissing in English movies
31) You have seen Titanic at least 12 times.
32) You thought seeing English movies and speaking English made you the coolest thing ever.
33) You remember the Orissa cyclone, even though you didn’t know what a cyclone was.
34) You remember the Gujarat earthquake very clearly and could possibly tell everyone EXACTLY what you were doing when the earthquake occurred (yes, this happened in 2001, January 26, 2001, to be exact -- but this group is about the things that Indian kids that GREW UP in the 90s remember and identify with).
35) Barbies for girls, and GI Joes for boys were the ultimate status symbols. You just wanted more more more and more. And how can I forget Hot Wheels, for both boys and girls? I personally have a collection of over 200 little Hot Wheels cars.
36) You have worn Osh-Kosh B’gosh and United Colours of Benetton clothes while growing up. And you thought ‘imported’ clothes were definitely way better than ‘made in India’ clothes (never mind that a lot of clothes brought from overseas by NRI relatives were actually made in India, before ‘Made in China’ started appearing on EVERY existing thing)
37) You know the words to ‘Posham Paa’, and like it better than ‘Oranges and Lemons’ even though you’d sing the latter to sound cool (see 32 above).
38) At some point or other, cool was your favourite, and therefore, most overused word.
39) Captain Planet was your first introduction to environmental consciousness.
40) You have tried to convince people around you to not burst crackers on Diwali, and then gone straight back home and burst them yourself.
41) You have had endless packets of Parle Gluco G biscuits, and of Brittania Little Hearts biscuits.
42) You loved licking off the cream from the centre of Bourbon biscuits.
43) There were no Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Puma- Bata and Liberty was the way to go for your sports shoes.
44) You have probably consumed more Frooti in your lifetime than there is oil in Iraq.
45) You watched Baywatch on Star World even though (or because) your parents said you shouldn’t watch it.
46) You bought packets of potato chips for the specific purpose of collecting Tazoa. And you had Tazos depicting everyone from Confucius to Daffy Duck to Daffy Duck dressed as Confucius.
47) For the longest time, the Maruti 800, the Premier Padmini, THE Fiat, and THE Ambassador were the only cars you saw on the road, and the Contessa was cool because it was bigger.
48) You would literally jump up in excitement if you ever chanced upon an imported car (Oh my gosh, is that really a MERCEDES?)!
49) You spent a good part of 1998 drooling over the Hyundai Santro and the Daewoo Matiz , debating which one was better.
50) You used to Fuzen gum. You also chewed Big (big) Babool and/or Boom Boom Boomer chewing gum. They were bright pink and disgusting tasting, but you loved them for the temporary tattoos.
51) Talking of temporary tattoos, you sometimes had contests with your classmates about who had more tattoos on their arm, leg, knee, hand, forehead, wherever.
52) You thought Mario and Tetris were the coolest things ever invented, especially if you were a boy.
53) You knew that having the latest Hero or Atlas bicycle would make you the coolest kid on the block.
54) You can imitate Sushmita Sen’s winning gasp to perfection.
55) You have, at some point of time, worn GAP clothes (real or fake) like SRK in KKHH.
56) Seemingly senseless acronyms like SRK, DDLJ, KKHH actually make sense to you.
57) You have at some point debated who was more beautiful- Aishwarya or Sushmita.
58) If you lived in Delhi, you went bowling at Essex Farms, or Go-Karting at 32nd Milestone and couldn't think how you could get any cooler than that.
59) Baskin Robbins ice-cream was THE thing to have!
60) You know what Campa Cola is. And you also knew that Coca Cola was THE drink.
61) When you would watch WWF keenly every evening/afternoon and really think that Undertaker had 7 lives and he made an "actual" appearance in the Akshay Kumar- starrer Khiladiyon ka Khiladi.
62) When all backpacks (or 'schoolbags') and water bottles and tiffin boxes had strange cartoon characters that were hybrid versions of seven or eight different characters, and you still bought them, because a green man wih a water pistol, boots, a jet-pack, Johnny bravo hair, a rajasthani mustache, gloves, and underwear (long johns) over his pants, called 'Mr. X' was OBVIOUSLY a status symbol.
63) You remember the Nirma tikia jingle.
64) You remember the Nirma girl.
65) You remember the 'doodh doodh' ad and also the 'roz khao andey' ads.
66) You grew up reading, if you read at all, some or all of Nancy Drews, Enid Blyton books, Hardy Boys, Babysitters Club, Animorphs, Goosebumps, Sweet Valley series, Judy Blumes, and Tintin, or Archie comics. Because naturally, reading foreign authors made you much cooler than reading Tinkle.
67) Towards the late 90s (1998-99) at least some of us started our Harry Potter obsessions!
68) You absolutely HAD to go to Essel World if you wnet to Mumbai! "Essel World mein rahoonga main, ghar nahin nahin jaaonga main!"
69) You watched the Bournvita Quiz contest on TV pretty religiously. The smarter ones amongst you actually took part in it and had your entire school and your entire extended families watch you on it!
70) "Jungle jungle baat chali hai, pata chala hai. Chaddi pehen ke phool khila hai, phool khila!"
71) Maggi 2 Minute Noodles = ultimate snack (and tiffin, lunch, dinner)!
72) If you grew up in the early 90s, you recall the nation's obsession with Mahabharata on TV
73) In the later 90s, you religiously followed Hip Hip Hooray on Zee. Maybe Just Mohabbat on Sony too.
74) You eagerly awaited Friendship Day, so you could give friendship bands to all your friends, and get bands from them in return. Then, of course, those with the most bands loved to show them off (and on Rakhi, boys with the most Rakhis loved showing those off too!)

75) This list made you smile.

......

2009-03-14T06:00:00.001+09:00

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius."

- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

.......

2009-03-14T05:36:00.002+09:00

"We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."

- Sigmund Freud

Ramblings of a Well-meaning Fool.....

2009-03-14T04:16:00.000+09:00

It’s funny how we take so much of our life for granted. We miss out on the things we should cherish.

We hang on to stuff not worth a second thought.

It’s a nice feeling, missing someone. Don’t run away from it. Enjoy it, rather. Be glad you have someone to miss. A lot of people aren’t granted that luxury.

Being alone isn’t so bad. Enjoy your solitude. It brings out in you, what no other human being ever can. You’ll be glad for it, when you realise how being in a crowd can cloud your senses.

Relationships are overrated, yet they’re not. We live our whole life, trying to forge, or force, bonds that aren’t there. What we DO have, we stow away in a dark corner, considering it a feat already accomplished. We forget, it’s just the beginning. We grow complacent with the support that one relationship has gifted us, and use that strength to look for something “better” or maybe “more”. And while we do this, the only worthwhile thing we ever actually came across, lies in the background of all our muddle, slowly but surely dying away. And one fine day we come across that hollow coccoon, hoping to see a butterfly jump out. But we don’t. We sit in bewilderment, moaning at life’s unfairness. All our “efforts” in vain, our only support now gone. This is when it hits us. We’ve been knocking on the door of an empty house, all along. We tried to bring to life something that had always been dead. And in the process, forgot to feed the one ray of hope life had bestowed upon us. Find your ray of hope NOW, before the sun sets on your life.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 15, 30, or 80. If you think you haven’t lived, you still have your whole life ahead of you.

I consider myself to be an intellectual snob. I judge people. Not by how they look, or what they wear, or how rich or how good-looking, or how stylish they are. I judge them on what they say, how they think, how narrow, or open, minded they are. I categorise people, into ( Thanks Chinks J ) Deservers, and Non-deservers. Mind you, these don’t mean what you think they do( oh now you see the arrogance coming into play eh? ). These categories have nothing to do with Karma, or God, or any of that, ahem, ‘stuff’. It has to do with Me. I impose my opinions on nobody. But i decide who deserves, and who doesn’t. Deserves what, you may ask. Anything I might have to bestow on them. My knowledge, my discoveries, my creations, and most importantly, my belief system.

I do have a rather vague belief system actually. It’s actually precise in its vagueness. i, or my beliefs, do not condemn people for what they do, or how they think, or anything really. It’s their life, and they can do with it anything that they wish to. The catch, however is, that most people do with their lives, not what THEY want to, rather, what they THINK THEY SHOULD. Now that’s where the problem comes in you see. I see everyone around me, people I love, people I respect, just throwing their lives away. They have lives – lives that reflect anything but who THEY are.

If there is ONE thing in the whole world that you KNOW is yours, it’s your life. Yet, I see the wisest people, the smartest people, letting it go, just because other people seem so important.

In the last few months, I’ve had the liberty of being able to live my own life. Of course, it came at a cost, but in retrospect, it’s nothing compared to the insight I finally gained into who I was, who I thought I was, and who I was born to be.

Any more of an explanation would only bore anyone who’s taken the trouble to come this far.

I’m here, and I’m listening.

The Fool.

......

2009-03-11T09:36:00.001+09:00

"I'm not a perfectionist.......

For a perfectionist believes in limits......."

- Varnika Kundu

Life is, but a dream.......

2009-03-11T07:49:00.002+09:00

I can’t stand straight on the ocean of purple grass. Why do these waves not support me?

I see green and magenta waving me over for tea, but respectfully decline, for I’m not loud enough.

Perhaps I should change one of my legs into a tail.

The bells are coming, and they get bluer every ounce.

There’s a guitar too, but it weighs 17 seconds, and is Far-coloured.

The music makes me smile – What a treat for my eyes!

My right hand fights my hair – Left hand pulls them both out and strokes ‘right’ lovingly.

......

“HOLY CRAP!!! She tore her hand off!!!!”
“Sam? Come watch, the waves like you,” she whispers
“So much for MAGIC shrooms, we’re screwed!”

Spoken like a true psychiatrist......

2009-03-10T12:24:00.001+09:00

"What's the one thing better, than an exquisite meal??

An exquisite meal, with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night!"

- Frasier (the sitcom)

Those were the days my friend....

2009-02-28T06:39:00.002+09:00

Those were the days
- Mary Hopkins

Once upon a time, there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours,
Think of all the great things we would do

Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we'd choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way

Then, the busy years went rushing by us
We lost our starry notions on the way
If, by chance, I'd see you in the tavern,
We'd smile at one another and we'd say

Just tonight, I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass, I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me?

Through the door, there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name
Oh, my friend, we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts, the dreams are still the same

Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we'd choose
We'd fight and never lose
Those were the days, oh yes, those were the days.

I wanna live a little.....

2009-02-27T11:59:00.000+09:00

Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I don't have the right to act stupid once in a while.

I might talk big, and think big, and , well, essentially be great.

That does not make me perfect.

And by no means whatsoever, does it make me a grown-up.

I like being an adult, but I don't want to be old.

So, for everyone out there who is thinking of "what's best for me" -

Thanks. I really DO appreciate it. And I love that I have ALL of your mistakes to learn from. I'd just like to learn from my own mistakes though, just once in a while.

I'm all of 20, and I've wasted too much time already, trying to grow up.

I completely forgot how, in the process, I was letting my juvenescence go.

I want to loosen up now.
I want to be rash.
I want to be careless,
and clumsy ( Not that i can help this last one ;-) )
I want to have a little FUN....

It's not the kind of fun you're probably afraid I might be talking about :-p

I just, don't want to be so careful anymore. I have the whole of the rest of my life to do that.

You say you trust me to know what's good for me?

Give me the option of actually making that decision!!!

Faraway

2009-02-26T01:11:00.000+09:00

I choose not to believe in reality.

My purview of the truth is limited to the infinitude of my feelings.

The only truth I’ve ever known, is Us - The truth I watch gradually evanescing into the emptiness that’s left of my life.

I’m pounding against your walls, only to push you even further into your nook.

You were all the joy I knew - The joy I now see passing me by, waving a single finger, as if to convince me of the finality of its departure.

You’re close enough that I could breathe you in.

Yet the distance would cost me a lifetime.

Perhaps, even a life.

25 Random things about Me...

2009-02-19T01:17:00.002+09:00

1. I’m scared of believing in ghosts, because I’ve watched the ‘Secret’ way too many times and now firmly believe that if I don’t give up my fear of ghosts, I might actually think them into existence.
2. I can go many, many, many days without being any use to anyone around me. It’s not something I’m proud of.
3. I don’t know how to make friends.
4. I KNOW that every once in a blue moon when I DO decide to show up for a lecture, it is ALWAYS, without fail, cancelled, or postponed, or something along the same lines.
5. I take No.4 to be God’s way of telling me that I don’t need lectures.
6. I AM God.
7. I cannot stand people making assumptions about me, whether they’re true or not. although I take my intolerance for the fact to be a sign of my denial of everything that is, in all probability, true.
8. I am, perhaps, way too spiritual for my own good.
9. I’ve been missing CKD for a few months now.
10. I YEARN for a chance to perform on stage.
11. I’ve been putting off writing this note for a while now, just because everyone was doing it.
12. I don’t like admitting to liking popular stuff.
13. I’m tired of eating junk food. I long to eat home-made food once more.
14. I don’t LIKE living in an already tiny room, over-crowded with my luggage STILL waiting to be unpacked. Someday soon, I shall unpack.
15. The few tabs always open on my explorer – Orkut, Facebook, my Blog, Osho Tarot, a couple of youtube videos on how to glide/ perform an arm wave.
16. I have recently started reminiscing about a time, not so long ago, when I used to be normal. I kind of miss it.
17. I want a pet with me, here in Nottingham, possibly more than anything else.
18. I STILL don’t regret anything I’ve ever done.
19. I’m inherently clumsy. I cannot count the number of time I’ve fallen/tripped/slipped/stumbled, over my own feet.
20. There is no kind of music that I cannot tolerate.
21. I write myself notes and display them on the wallpaper of my phone, as constant reminders. The current one reads – “I am Energy! I am very patient!”
22. More than often, I catch myself wishing I could be someone else, just so I could be friends with myself.
23. I’ve been feeling blank, the last few days.
24. I wish I could have known Kurt Cobain.
25. I disapprove of meeting people and asking them how they are. You don't actually mean it, and even if you do, they won't tell you the truth. It seems pretty pointless.

The Rebel - Osho

2009-02-17T00:53:00.000+09:00

People are afraid, very much afraid of those who know themselves. They have a certain power, a certain aura and a certain magnetism, a charisma that can take out alive, young people from the traditional imprisonment....

The enlightened man cannot be enslaved - that is the difficulty - and he cannot be imprisoned.... Every genius who has known something of the inner is bound to be a little difficult to be absorbed; he is going to be an upsetting force. The masses don't want to be disturbed, even though they may be in misery; they are in misery, but they are accustomed to the misery. And anybody who is not miserable looks like a stranger.

The enlightened man is the greatest stranger in the world; he does not seem to belong to anybody. No organization confines him, no community, no society, no nation.

Osho The Zen Manifesto: Freedom from Oneself Chapter 9

Orig. quote

2009-02-15T02:58:00.001+09:00

Most of us go through life seeking validation. Alas, we never do find it. For one man’s truth is bound to be another man’s dream, and yet another’s lie.
- Varnika Kundu

Happy Valentines' AseemBhai :)

2009-02-14T15:58:00.000+09:00

I’ve been thinking.
Yes AseemBhai, It IS amazing the results a little speculation can bring about.
To state the obvious, I was lying in bed, wondering why a simple change of date brings about such major changes in people’s behaviour. In other words, I was trying to figure out why Valentines’ Day always makes me feel unpleasant, except of course the couple where I actually DID have a Valentine.
Well, one thing led to another, and I ended up with my copy of AseemBhai’s book in my hand.
AseemBhai was all of 23. Yet, he achieved in his run here, more than most people achieve in many lifetimes, put together. He was, IS, truly great.
As far back as I can remember, I never had any role-models, or idols. My only idol, ever, was my dad. Till a time not very long ago, I firmly believed that my dad had the answers to EVERYTHING. Then, I grew up. And a few years, and not-so-few hoaxes later, I realised, with a hint of disappointment, that my father, also, is human. Fortunately, I was mature enough to realise that, in no way does that fact change who my father is. True, he might not be as well-informed as Google, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s one of the very, very few people who command my respect.
Anyway, coming back to the point. A couple of years ago, I was introduced to AseemBhai by my best friend. By introduced, I don’t mean literally. That, unfortunately, didn’t happen till much later. However, I knew enough about him to know that I had found another idol. For a long, long time, all I had was the idea of him to hang onto. And then, I finally got to know him. Perhaps not as well as I’d have liked to, but well enough to know that he truly deserved every bit of the admiration and respect I had for him.
It is here, that I recognise the inadequacy of words in describing how I feel. Surprisingly, today isn’t the first time that is happening.
In the last few weeks, I’ve often wondered if I even deserve this. By ‘this’, I do not mean what you think. And I choose not to explain. I, however, decided that I do. And hope I’m right.
I wish I’d had more time. I really do. My view of the world has recently been turned upside down, and I’ve begun to question the very facts I’ve taken for granted since I was a kid. It’s now at the point where I have completely stopped believing in the impossibility, of anything. There is, however, one thing that I’m sure of. There can, and will, never be another AseemBhai. And I don’t only mean for me. I mean ever.
Sure, he was human too. He had his faults, we all do. I’m even told that there are people who weren’t fond of him. I don’t find that hard to believe. In fact, I’m glad of it.
AseemBhai had an intensity about him. Intensity will always shake people up, and they will either like it, or they won’t.
If I had to describe AseemBhai, I couldn’t. One of the reasons being that I didn’t know him well enough (I don’t regret that, for regretting will serve no purpose other than to make me unhappy). The other reason, yet again, is the fact that words, more than often prove to be an inadequate expression of the feelings, and situations of utmost importance. I can, however, make an attempt at describing what AseemBhai was to me.
He was he elder brother I never had.
He was one of my closest friends. It is true, that I didn’t know him very well, or very long. Yet, I knew I could count on him, and his support, and his precious advice. My relationship with him is the reason I have finally started to understand how very little time has to do with the importance of the people in your life. No amount of efforts, or time, can ever make or break a relationship that is meant to be.
A few years ago, when AseemBhai (apparently) had no idea who I was, Andy and I tried to play a prank on him. I added him to my Yahoo messenger list and messaged him, on the pretext of being a random chick. I still chuckle at the thought of the 2 little idiots (Andy & I) grinning, and being audacious enough to think that they could outwit AseemBhai. WHAT were we thinking? Anyway, we did learn a valuable lesson – you don’t mess with a genius. Period.
There are very, very few texts that I allow the privilege of influencing me. AseemBhai’s blog, now, tops the list. It’s amazing how I always find exactly what I’m looking for in there.
I’d been wanting to do this for a while now, and I’m glad it finally happened.
I DO miss him. It is perhaps a little selfish, but now more than ever. Even though I’m pretty sure he was utterly bored of hearing me whine over and over again. :-p
AseemBhai always knew the right thing to say. Without fail.
It was always the same thing. Yet, it made perfect sense every time.
‘Relax. God is in charge.’
Now, I can relax, knowing I have contacts up there. 
Take care, AseemBhai. 

p.s. you should know, you're the only one i'm wishing this year. Part of this silly 'principles' thing I have going :-p

Fool in love.....

2009-02-13T03:46:00.000+09:00

Love.....

Fools in love, they say.

I agree.

Those in love, are never smart.

Those who are smart, are never in love.

The calculations, the shrewdness, the strategies that render people ‘smart’, are not of love, or from love.

Hence, they cannot understand love. It seems nothing more than a farce, nothing less than a trade.

Love hits when you least expect it to. It hits hard.

It is at this precise moment, that all your knowledge, your genius, your planning, goes up in smoke.

It’s not a force to be reckoned with. It’s there, and it’s there to stay.

Fools in love, they say. Simple, honest, innocent, foolish.

They trust, even when it hurts, they continue to trust. They trust, and stop not, until they drive you to be worthy of it.

They give, and rest not, until you receive willingly.

They love, and they tire not. Ever.

Fools in love, they say.

Proud to be one.

p.s. post title, courtesy Inara George's song - Fools in love :)

Ha... Look where I finally landed up......

2009-02-13T00:42:00.003+09:00

I'm tired....
I'm EXHAUSTED......

There's really nothing more left for me to do....
I wish SOMEONE would understand..........
Oh they all DO understand, either this side, or that....
I come from somewhere in between........

But, NOW, I'm tired.....
After EVERYTHING that's happened.....
Nothing was good enough......

I have nothing more left to give......

I shall now proceed outside, and enjoy the lightly falling snow. :)

or...
Whatever.

In a blue funk......

2009-02-10T21:10:00.001+09:00

So many decisions waiting to be made.

Some already made, perhaps only to be revoked.

Some shall, perhaps, never be made.

A life changing event is waiting to happen – good or bad? I shan’t know, till I know.

I can feel the spring in the air today.

Hang out with myself an awful lot. Fear going insane.

Fear fear.

Fear that I might have made a decision that isn’t mine to rectify anymore.

Fear feeling helpless, and not being able to do anything about it.

Fear having to let go of all I’ve worked towards.

Waiting is possibly the most painful part of transitions.

I can do nothing but.

Doing the right thing, this time, hurts. Yet, it feels right.

All I can do, is feel.

This too, shall pass.

??

2009-02-10T00:05:00.001+09:00

If you had but one day to live, and you were asked to choose one person to spend it with, apart from your family.....
Who would YOU choose???

Worth a thought,
Innit? :)

The End of the World........

2009-02-09T11:05:00.001+09:00

I spoke in one of my earlier posts, about the inherent shallowness that is devouring our generation. I’d like to rephrase that, to the inherent shallowness that is devouring the WORLD, along with all its creative genius, and values.
Here you have to bear in mind, of course, that I’m talking of values, not morals. Morals are defined in the dictionary as “Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character”. In simple words, morals are society’s way of making sure that humans do exactly as they are expected, no less, and DEFINITELY no more. Morals, are the laws that were created centuries ago, to regulate basic human nature. Since we were kids, we’ve been ‘disciplined’, and taught ‘self-control’. Stealing is bad, honesty is good. I’ve been asking myself this question for a while now – WHO decides what’s good or bad?? WHO decided how humans would behave in the coming 1000s of years? And WHY was that person given the right to decide this?
The meaning of Values, however, is more than often confused with that of morals. A Value is ‘a collection of guiding, usually positive principles; what one deems to be correct and desirable in life, especially regarding personal conduct.’ Essentially, a value has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with morals. Of course, any normal law-abiding human being would have you believe otherwise. Morals are taught, whereas values, are caught. (:-p how corny am i!)
If I refuse to live my life by ‘social ethics’, I would be accused of rebelling. And they say that like it’s a bad thing!!! Now, I’m sitting with my dictionary open here ( :-p) so let’s see what a rebel is defined as – ‘someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action’ or ‘break with established customs’. I fail to see what’s wrong with that? Even though I’m anti-commercialization, is independent thought not the SOLE reason for ANY of the great inventions, EVER???
Do you realise that Edison, Einstein, Mozart, Buddha, Shakespeare, Henry Ford, Columbus, and ALL the other great people who have EVER lived, have been ‘REBELS’???
That’s the PRECISE reason, that Ms-word recognises their names, but underlines YOURS with red ink!!!!!
As I see the world now, however, there are neither any great values, nor morals. The entire race is stuck in limbo. Inspiration hangs THICK in the air. All those years of greatness have trickled down, only to be ingrained into every child born around the world. If I were to let go of history, and all hope for the future, there is really nothing remarkable happening. Of course, we have all the technology and the developments and the money, but I believe it just to be an excuse to avoid having to make the effort to actually go deep into humanity. There is no dearth of intelligence, or creativity, or effort, or genius, but WHERE is the depth???
WHY do you think shrinks earn so much? Not because the world has more ‘problems’, noooo. It’s purely, and solely because people have been avoiding themselves for so long, that it is perhaps, now genetic. The blindness that has been badgered into people over the millenniums, has now become a part of our inheritance.
I read a long time ago, of a research that was conducted, where a book was placed on a sheet of glass, such that it seemed like the book was floating in air. When a 6-7 (or close) month baby was brought in front of the table, his expression changed, to one of shock, at why the book wasn’t falling like it was supposed to. Some people would take this to be a proof of the fact that gravity is but natural, hence, a part of our hereditary knowledge.
I, however, take it to be an inkling of the innate cynicism that humans now possess. There was a time, when kids believed in magic, and in being able to fly, and pixies, and gnomes, and the enchanted tree. Now, the kids are ‘smart’ and ‘aware’ and their ‘G.K.’ is great. Nobody believes in magic anymore. We all know, they’re just tricks, illusions, ‘sleight of hand’. Does that not make you awfully sad?
Adults don’t believe in love, let alone eternal love. To quote Grey’s anatomy – the guy who coined the phrase ‘happily ever after’, should have his ass kicked, so hard! Books have been replaced by the internet, or the Xbox, or the TV. Enid Blyton’s books were banned from countries, accusing her of racism!!!!! I’ve never read Alice in Wonderland!!!!!
I would normally end such a piece with the hackneyed phrase – “what is the world coming to?” (Would you believe, before today, I thought a hackneyed carriage, was a kind of a carriage?? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) Today, however, I shall answer that very question, as an extension of the streak of (perhaps delusional) optimism that has engulfed me these past few days......
The world, as we know it, is coming to an end. Our race has wandered almost as far away from their true selves, as is possible, and very soon, are going to come back right to their very roots. Not the roots of civilization, for civilization is just a means of distraction from our true selves. Rather, the roots of humanity – the fundamental essence of our souls. Take the world right now, as a timebomb, if you please. There’s little time left on the clock now, and very soon, it’s going to explode, wiping out the world, restoring to us, our roots.
By soon, I don’t mean in a month, or a year, or maybe even a century. I don’t know that, I’m no psychic, or Nostradamus. All I say here, Is what I feel. And I feel, that soon, things shall change. We shall have depth once more, and we shall have unsurpassable creativity, and unimaginable feats shall be accomplished.
Soon.

Do it anyway.....

2009-02-09T04:32:00.000+09:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may just never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you, and YOU;
It was never between you and them anyway.

(Kent Keith, with a minor modification of my own :) )

:)

2009-02-08T12:30:00.001+09:00

This post....
is just for my smile....
:):):)...
today, it deserves its own post :)

The World is a Mirror........

2009-02-08T12:28:00.000+09:00

You know how they always say, the world is a mirror?
Well, everyone’s pondered the meaning of the phrase, at one time or the other. We all know, ‘ Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you’ ( or whatever the exact phrase is :-p)
‘What goes around comes around.’
Since we were born we’ve had the concept of kindness, compassion, love, badgered into us. Be nice to your elders, to those who are younger, to the helpless, to the disabled, to the dogs, and the cows, and the monkeys, and the ENTIRE world. Did anyone ever tell you this – be nice to yourself? Treat yourself well? Don’t judge yourself. Don’t victimize yourself. Don’t hurt yourself, that’s what everyone ELSE is here for!!!!!!!
‘The world is a mirror.’ Look at it this way ;
If you smile, the mirror smiles. If you talk, the mirror talks. If you jump up and down in glee, well, the reflection follows.
Now imagine, you standing in front of the mirror, is you, in your life. The mirror, is a window through which the world sees you. The world, and/or the universe, follows you mindlessly, and does exactly as you do.
Now if you look into the window, posing as a person who has nothing, that’s what the world will reflect, and act upon. If you act as a loser, that’s what will be reciprocated. If you feel like a victim, the ENTIRE universe, will only follow.
The universe is a reflection of your feelings. As you feel, so shall it be. For further details on this, get a hold of The Secret (Book or Video, doesn’t matter. Although the video, I think, is more effective!)
I know, these ideas aren’t exactly original, but these words are. The ideas are already out there, I just provide the metaphors . And I’m proud , for they inspire me, and there’s not a lot of feelings better than writing something that inspires your own self!!!
Cheers!
p.s. Try not to victimise yourself. Like I said in yesterday’s post, you drive your own car. Take a nice long drive at night, with the top down, the perfect breeze through your hair, your favourite music playing, on your way to your favourite place :) your car is too dumb to be allowed to drive itself!!!

Funnily enough......

2009-02-08T04:24:00.000+09:00

Funnily enough, my feelings are still the same. I feel no resentment, no hatred, no anger.
For the first time in really long, possibly, I feel exactly like I should.
Yes, there was the initial momentary hurt. Yet, I feel like such a burden has been lifted. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to suppress the love anymore. It’s there, and I’m free to feel it.
Well, the world is round......
And I’ve taken flight.
Let’s see where I land.

Ha! Finally!!

2009-02-07T11:06:00.001+09:00

I’ve been spending a lot of time with myself lately. The ‘realisations’ come and go. They’re all consequential, some perhaps more so than others.
I’ve often been accused of thinking too much, or being too philosophical for my own good. I never had a reason for why I did it, I just knew that I enjoyed it. Today, I see why.
Having been interested in ‘spirituality’ for a while now, I’ve read lots of books, watched some videos, talked to some people. Eventually, it turns out, all the enlightened people are always saying the same thing. They just choose different ways of seeing it. And that, is actually better than all of them just saying the same thing, the same way, over and over and over again. Can you imagine how dull and boring that would be?
I was reading a book by Osho recently, and he mentioned something about reading everything 12 times. The truth of the statement eluded me, until just now. Do you realise how easy you have it? All of this information, all this ‘spirituality’, all this learning – it’s just lying out here for you on a silver platter. We have had generations after generations of men, who have sought, attained and then sought to pass on enlightenment. We are lucky, because we don’t have to read the same text 12 times. We have the same essence, in countless different bottles, waiting to be sprayed on. At a superficial level, of course, every line sounds different, and seems to have a different meaning. However, if you look deep enough, if you delve into it with all the totality of your concentration, the same message jumps off at you.
I have the easiest example, and I hope I can put it across as well as I can see it. Of course, words are, and always will be, inadequate in the expression of the most important feelings. They are but carriers of the superficiality of ‘society’. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.
The one thing that every religion, every thinker, every philosopher, every mystic, every saint has ALWAYS said, and perhaps in the simplest way possible, is – You are NOT your body. Your body is but a vehicle. The slightest means of the expression of your SELF, here on Earth.
Now, at first read, it’s a simple enough idea. Yes, we all know the body is just temporary, and blah blah. However, when you hear it enough times, when you read it enough (12 times or more :-P), you begin to see the actual true expression that was meant to be conveyed by these few simple words.
Ok, so that was the first part of my example. Now we come to part 2. Another thing, that possibly EVERY wise man EVER, and even some of the not-so-wise men have always said, and believed, something that is kind of a new-age mantra now – Follow your heart. Do what you FEEL like. Listen to your FEELINGS, not your mind.
Same as the earlier line, simple enough line. Nothing even a kid couldn’t comprehend. Yes, at the most superficial level, we all know these lines. We’ve heard these a zillion times. We know what they mean. We understand them. Agreed. You understand the message, but do you GET it?
Let’s see. Maybe if we joined these 2 ‘simple’ lines now – You are NOT your body. Do what you FEEL. Listen to your FEELINGS, not your mind. (of course, here we assume that you KNOW, that the mind, is a part of the body!)
Do you see a slight difference? A gentle shift in the meaning?
Ok, enough with the riddles. I’ll tell you, what I ‘realised’ today. What YOU feel, and what your MIND feels, are 2 very very VERY different things. Now, at first go, it seems very confusing. I know. It took me YEARS of thinking to get here! But now, you have all that spirituality, PLUS, my ‘realisations’, so you’re already one step closer!
Anyway, what YOU feel, is what you want. What the MIND feels, is just your ‘worldliness’ talking. Here, I have to morph all the messages from Ramtha, and The Secret, and Osho, and all other works of art, into one. The secret says – You ALWAYS get what you truly want.
Ramtha says- Always trust the first thought, for that is the purest. That is your true HEART.
Osho says – well, he says lots of stuff, that eludes me at this precise moment, but it boils down to pretty much the same things :-p
My point here is, if you sit and think about what you want, it WILL come to you, and you WILL know it. Of course, that “knowing” might last just a split second, or if you’re lucky, a second, before your mind takes over. Your body is your car. The mind, is the gps system/auto pilot. YOU, are the driver!
Now, the car will go WHEREVER you take it. And you have to decide where you want to go. The computer is there only to show you the way!!! If YOU want to go to your favourite restaurant, but the gps decides your final destination is your Workplace... ohoh!! That’s not good, is it??
YOU have to control the GPS system of YOUR life. Don’t let what you KNOW, or what you’ve been TAUGHT, or what is RIGHT or WRONG, control your life. Imagine you were driving, and left the steering wheel, allowing the car to take you wherever it wants, you’d almost definitely end up dead!!!
Let your HEART control you life. Let your first thought guide you, and you will ALWAYS be exactly where you should be.
I doubt I can adequately explain HOW I do this here, and I also doubt if it would help anyone but me, but then again, I’m going to try :). This is a very simple example, and I promise you, not a single bit is made up. I wanted to eat Rajmah Chawal. Since yesterday, I’d had that constant craving, nagging me. I wanted to, but I figured, who’s going to walk ALL the way to the other end of the campus to withdraw cash to order? So, I didn’t order. One whole day, I craved, but I figured, if I can’t be bothered to walk that much, I don’t REALLY want it, do i? Today evening, the craving FINALLY (Thankfully!) took over, I called the delivery people, figured I’d order, and then go get the cash. However, as I was in the middle of my call, I looked at my sidetable, and lo and behold!!! There lay some coins! I had just enough to pay the delivery guy. And we all lived happily ever after. :)
You see my point? The secret works!!! As long as you DON’t let your MIND, or your BODY get in the way, you WILL have ANYTHING that you want!!!
Cheers. :)

Simple as that...

2009-02-06T23:40:00.002+09:00

Something I read in a book written by Osho...
Although this excerpt itself has been written by William Samuels :

"There are moments when something has to be said and nothing can be said. There are moments when tears say much more than words. There are moments when laughter says much more than words. There are moments when gestures say much more than words. There are moments when silence speaks more than words. All the laughter, all the tears, all the gestures, silences, they are contained in the second language -- the language of poetry"

Reinstates my faith in the value of simplicity.
And suddenly I recall, how easy it is, not to be complicated.......

Livin in a christmas card....

2009-02-03T03:53:00.000+09:00

It’s 2:30 am. It is snowing.
I felt snow today. Not physically though. I FELT it. Standing outside in the middle of the night, not a soul in sight, i was watching the snow falling, enraptured. i could hear nothing, except the silence. Yet, the snow was anything but, silent. It swirled all around me, whipping this way and that, although more joyful than chaotic. It made me feel like i was in a silent movie, and i stayed, half-expecting to hear an orchestra making a grandiose statement somewhere in the background.
It’s hard to find words to explain exactly how i felt. I did wonder, however, how my hallmates could be sitting inside, completely oblivious to the fact that they were practically living in a Christmas card!!
I’d been waiting for a long time, for someone, anyone, to reassure me, to tell me that everything would be alright. Today, the entire universe conspired, i believe, just to provide me with that very reassurance.
To quote one of the more popular Christmas songs –
“ And since we’ve no place to go,
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! “

Cheers!

What a fool I am! :)

2009-02-02T02:54:00.001+09:00

A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.

Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don´t try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.

In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you.

And each time you don´t allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 2

ENERGY!!!

2009-02-01T02:19:00.003+09:00

I elucidate today, upon an idea that was introduced to me by the ‘Secret’. I lay down in bed, hoping to fall asleep to the soundtrack of this joyful discovery. Instead, i stayed up all night watching it, possibly for the zillionth time. Its meaning, however, was entirely different this time. I understood all they were saying, everytime i watched it. The point that really struck home this time was this – You are Energy.

It’s that simple. You are ENERGY. For a scientific basis here, we go to your very roots, literally. Your body is made of cells, which are made of molecules, in turn made of atoms, at the very center of which lies – Energy. There is no ‘solid’. It is ALL energy. Suddenly, everything makes perfect sense.

It makes sense that all the enlightened men have said, “you are one with the universe”. “Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust”, makes sense. The big bang makes sense. There were no solids anywhere. Ever. There still are not. A solid is just a very dense mass of energy. That’s how the galaxies were formed. Why does gravity attract us?? Because, we are the same as the earth is. It is the same energy reverberating through the entire cosmos. Of course the universe will give you what you ask for. The universe IS you. You ARE already in harmony with nature, and everything around you. You don’t need to make any efforts. You ARE both the SAME.

You don’t like your body? You don’t have to keep it!! Within a second, you can change your body, just as you choose. Of course, it will probably take some practice to first let go of all the ‘beliefs’ and ‘habits’ that have been badgered into you since your ‘birth’. But, you CAN do it. Just like that.

Isn’t that what visualization really is? You FEEL what you want. Your energy, starts to turn towards what you want. There is a slight shift in the energy around you, and voila! You have what you want!

You ARE what you think. Ever realized how true that is?? Thoughts are energy. So are you. So is your shit. So is the spoon next to you. So is the computer screen you’re staring at right now. Einstein did not use more of his ‘BRAIN’, he learned how to channelize more of his ‘energy’.

You can possibly trace everything any great man has ever said about humanity, back to energy. “You can do whatever you want.”

This is PRECISELY what the secret tries to explain. They use perhaps, more common examples, to help people relate. The point, however, still remains the same. YOU ARE ENERGY!

Wipe Your Own Ass

2009-01-30T12:12:00.000+09:00

Dr. Frankenstein set out to achieve a modern day miracle. He created, instead, a monster that even he didn’t fully understand. I find it almost hilarious, how much this coincides with the world, as i’ve seen it in the 20 years that I’ve been here.

People go about their whole lives, twisting themselves into inextricable messes. They lie, they cheat, disrespect, embarrass, hurt, THEMSELVES. Yet, somehow find a way to pin it down on the easiest scapegoat around. The funniest part, however, is yet to come. Too afraid to look into their own selves, they start looking around for friends, mates, someone who would “understand” them. Newsflash: AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!!!

You wake up one day, threatened by the monster you created, and what do you do? Hmm. Let’s see. Oh! You run to the world to save you. And when EVERYONE you’ve counted on fails to deliver, you blame the one person who won’t retaliate – God. Let me solve your little problem now. Answer me this – YOU created the mess you’re in, and now, it’s beyond your own comprehension. Why, I wonder, would you think that ANYONE else knows any better??

Moral of the Story : You can let the world wipe your ass, but nobody will do it better than you.

this one doesn't need a title.........

2009-01-29T07:23:00.001+09:00

It seems to be true, what all these great people have been saying over the ages. A life without risk, is hardly a life at all. You do have the other option, of course, of squandering your life away, holed up in your tiny shelter, WAITING for life to notice you. Here’s a thought - life has forgotten about you, sitting there in your nook. Greatness does not come to those who wait. It comes, instead, to those who go after it.
A risk, by definition, is exposure to loss or destruction. So it is but natural that those who dared to venture out would suffer losses, sometimes of magnanimous proportions. Consider this, however – perhaps there is something greater waiting for you to come grab it. Perhaps the only way to be the best, is to have the courage to let go of the comfort of second best. Sometimes you need to jump, without a safety net. Security and comfort are the pleasures of those who compromise. Comfort hinders growth. As soon as a person gets comfortable, they stop striving. as soon as they stop striving, they give up their position in the race. They’re off track, and there they shall remain, as long as they’re ‘comfortable’.
The greater your risk, the greater your life will be after. And along with greatness, comes a feeling of profound peace. Not the peace that comfort deluded you with. Rather, real peace,( at the risk of getting slightly heavy here) the kind that provides you with the euphoria of finally grasping what being one with the universe implies. It is at this point, that you have everything you ever dreamed of. You are, however, also fully aware, that this is not the zenith of your evolution. Once the process has begun, it shall cease only with your last breath, perhaps not even then. It is also at this very time, that you might, perhaps, regain all that you had lost in the process. Maybe it shall be even greater now, in tune with the quality of your life.
Perhaps, the only way to achieve your dream is to let it go for a while.
If it is meant to be, nothing, not even you can prevent it.

Fix You

2009-01-29T03:05:00.002+09:00

For once, I have nothing of my own to say.
Like I said, it's surprising how sometimes the right song hits you at just the right time.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Purpose in Life......

2009-01-27T03:32:00.000+09:00

Here is an excerpt from Ramtha. It brings me joy.

To be happy and joyous is the Father's only desire for you. It is, indeed, the grandest emotional value there is. It is the greatest accomplishment in life. To have understood and become joy is the only destiny that God has given to all mankind, whatever plane they are upon, whatever understanding they have achieved. For when you have returned to a state of joy and happiness, you have returned to a state of God-for joy is what the Father is. It is an isness that is in joy at all times.
The Father has given you the power to create whatever you desire, from the vilest of things to the greatest beauty of things. He will become anything you desire him to be in your search for understanding joy. And will he ever judge your actions or the fulfillment of your desires? Nay, he never will. That is the love of Father to son, life- force to life-force. All he wants you to do is whatever it takes to be happy, joyful; for that is the only way you will come to know the Father and to be as he is.
What is joy? Joy is the freedom of movement without interruption. It is the freedom of expression without judgment.. It is the freedom of being without fear or guilt. Joy is knowing that you are creating life on your own terms. It is the sublime movement of self allowed. That is joy.
Why is joy the grandest state of being? Because when you are in a state of joy, you are in the flow of what God is. And in that flow, there is no room for jealousy, anger, bitterness or war. It is difficult to hate anyone, it is difficult to be-siege anyone, it is difficult to hurt anyone when you are in a state of joy. When you are happy and joyful, you love God seen in all things. .
In an exuberant state of joy, you are at peace with everything about you. When you are in joy with life, you cannot feel remorseful or insecure, fearful, angry or lacking. In a state of joy you are fulfilled and complete, and life, wisdom and creativity flow like a mighty river from within your being. In a state of joy, you are inspired to the heights of greatness and the depths of feeling.
In a state of joy, life becomes the fervor and intensity of a dawn when the sky is the most beauteous color of rose, the clouds are tinged with fiery red, and birds are singing in the trees. In joy, you cease to age and will live forever, for life is no longer a drudgery but a wondrous adventure that you only hunger for more of. When joy is apparent, you are at one within your kingdom of self. In a state such as that, you have found utopia.
How do you become joyful? By knowing that every moment of your life gives you the freedom and opportunity to express joy, if that is your desire. And by knowing there is nothing that is ever worth separating yourself from happiness and joy. ..and God. Nothing! And by loving yourself completely, through and through-for you love God when you do.

Hot

2009-01-25T02:33:00.001+09:00

She wakes up at 7 am to the strains of Beethoven. Her eyes still closed, and arms stretched in a princess-like fashion, she expects to feel the first rays infusing her person with a delicate glow. An imaginary camera in the top-left corner of her room inspires the over dramatisation. The rays do not come. She moves on to the next ‘scene’, albeit slightly disturbed by the deviance. Gliding through her perfectly designed ‘set’ of a bedroom, she opens the window and waits for the cool breeze to sift through her hair. A blast of hot construction air hits her instead. She stares at the freshly cemented bricks, and wails. Her story is over. Life begins.

Hmm....

2009-01-21T09:34:00.002+09:00

This is what Socrates says to me today - "The unexamined life is not worth living"

Should I take it as some kind of consolation for the number of times I've been told I think too much?
Maybe.
Maybe not.

The Great Wall of Chinu

2009-01-21T09:33:00.001+09:00

Oh here come these emotions again. I’m tired of them. They keep asking me to build some kind of wall, Great Wall of Chinu they call it (hahaha). The reason? i don’t get it, but apparently, they’re mortally wounded, some have even died. No wonder i’ve been feeling like a cold hearted bitch these days. I’ve been contemplating giving in to their demands. Of course, their ‘we-won’t-stop-confounding-you-till-you-build-the-wall’ movement has made a great impact. Oh crap! Another one just died. I’m told her name was Mrs. Give-a-shit-about-people. She is survived by one husband and one spoilt brat of a kid. Mr. Give-a-shit-about-people is now threatening to sue me for over-working his wife. I should leave before this gets out of hand.

Say it isn't so (nothin to do wit the post.it's just playin in the bckground)

2009-01-21T09:23:00.003+09:00

So, you could say today has been a semi-productive day. I finally got that gym membership!!! And i start tomorrow :D yaaayy!! I also had a few realisations, got a couple of eye-openers, and showered. Since i had nothing better to do, i spent most of my day wondering what i should write about. Couldn’t come up with anything at all, hence you’re stuck with another one of these, umm, pieces.
Was up really late last night, although i’d hardly call it late since i do it every night. Anyhow, discovered a weird art movie in my lappy called “Psychopathia Sexualis”. Turns out it’s based on a very famous book by the same name, written by Richard von Krafft-Ebing, a psychiatrist-sexologist(???), in the late 19th century. The movie was disgusting, that’s all i have to say on that topic. And it was NOT what you’re thinking.
On a different note, facebook led to one of the above-mentioned ‘eye-openers’, and it’s not pretty. I will, for obvious reasons, not be very specific about the reason, or the person behind this. It serves me right for expecting. I really should have known better.
As for my realisations, well, there were many, many, since that’s what i do when i have nothing better to do. I think, and analyse my thoughts, and everyone around me, and then come to fascinating, albeit strange conclusions. So, here goes......
I am convinced of the extremely high level of superficiality of everyone around me. I do not KNOW this fact, but i AM convinced of it. Another on-going conflict between logic and, uhh, whatever part of me it is that is convinced of the fact. This, in turn, leads to me judging myself based on everything i think other people might care about. I assure you, if my judgments are anything to go by, i am definitely going to die alone. The reason for my conviction, however, is still unclear, although i strongly suspect that it has a lot to do with certain people very close to me, and their failed attempts to get me to conform to acceptable body ‘standards’. If you ever read this, ( and i’m pretty sure you will), KNOW that I am NOT implying that your criteria of judgment is anything like mine for myself, or that i’m trying to blame you for how i think. That is not the case.
We now come to the second realisation for today. Hugs are definitely underrated. I’m not a very physical person, i.e. i don’t give, or take hugs too readily. But when i do, it means something, sometimes, it means everything. If i were asked to recall the happiest moments of my life yet, a lot of them would have to do with me and someone important and hugs. However, i do NOT understand the concept of hugging everyone you meet?? I choose to save my hugs only for special people, and as of this moment, i’m going to start acting on it.
There were more epiphanies ( obviously, since thinking is all i ever do), but they elude me at this moment. Also, although i WANT to write, my thoughts seem not to want to co-operate, and keep running off in different directions making it difficult to string together a single sentence.
Today has been a weird day.
I’m still convinced that i’ll die alone. However, i’m also convinced that the day i let go of my desperation, it’s all going to come rushing to me.
I am now going to lie in bed and watch 15 minutes of some movie before i drift off.
Cheers.
Or not.

Narcissistic tendencies?? really??

2009-01-20T02:52:00.000+09:00

I’m back 
I’ve been bitten by the writing bug, and bitten hard i tell you! Seems like writing is all i ever want to do!!! And then i have to restrain myself, because i’m afraid that if i do too much of it i might get bored of it ( like i do of everything else i do for a while :-s), and not want to do it anymore!!!
Today, i revel in the beauty that is the music of Pink Floyd. I’ve been told to be more versatile in my approach towards these pieces of art i type everyday. In other words, to stop writing about myself!!!! :-p
So i need to think of a new topic, something other than ME, or my principles, or my confusions, or my life. :-p. Hmm. Let’s see....
Errr. Ermmm. Aahhh. Ummm. Ok, i give up. Since i can think of nothing better, or non-cliched to write about, i’m just going to start with describing my day, and see where it leads. :-p
I slept at about 4 am ( i write this, because well, it happened TODAY!), woke up at 9, but decided it really wasn’t worth it, so went to bed again. Finally woke up at about 1, with a weird message from this dude who i exchanged about 4 lines with, once upon a time when school would force me to wake up at an earthly hour! I lay in bed, reading the message over and over again, wondering exactly why this dude would be sending me an international text!!! After about 5 minutes, i decided i didn’t really care, got out of bed, ( ran to the loo :-p), connected to the internet,checked my mail hoping for something, ANYthing to incite some interest. Nothing. All this while, of course, my mind is talking away to glory, trying to catch my attention. I finally give in, and this is what i get – my room stinks, need to do my laundry!! Should shower today, i stink too, it’s been about, ahem, 24 hrs since my last one! Pay all kinds of different fees. Join the gym. Get a job. And so on and so forth.....
Ok i have too many people buzzing and pinging trying desperately to get 2 non-distracted words out of me. I’ll be back soon.
Ok i’m back. Scared mom away with the prospect of, oh well, never mind. So, the music has now changed to Nirvana. Oh Kurt! :”>. I’ve lost my train of thought now .
Kurt has now been replaced by this amazing guitar solo from Fade to Black (Metallica). Slight mood shift accompanied. That of course also had something to do with an on-going conversation with HIM! You know, the one who’s always right. I’m not talking about God( HA! He wishes!), although this particular individual might beg to differ ;-). So, i honestly don’t recall him ever being wrong, except of course with spellings, which i’m almost impeccable with . But then, in the large scheme of things, that doesn’t matter (obviously).
Now if i had actually been writing about anything meaningful at all, i would totally have been digressing, but as it turns out, i’m not, since i wasn’t writing about anything to begin with. I’m going to have to start hunting for accommodation for next year soon. Apparently people started booking last November. Why?? Don’t they have better things to do. I do! Which is precisely why i have still not gotten around to unpacking, or doing my laundry, or any of those things, which don’t matter. I mean, 10 years from now, when i’m all famous and rich, people are going to WANT their kids to be like me. To get so lost in living, that they have no time for these utterly pointless tasks that human beings have devised probably just to keep themselves from dying of boredom. It’s true. The only time i ever clean my room is if i really really need to do something to keep myself busy.
This reminds me, i need to start hunting for a second-hand guitar. I figure if i can stick to writing for this long, and love it, maybe now is the time that i can take up the guitar. Maybe i’ll be able to stick to that too this time . And the gym of course. Hehe.
Oh something worth mentioning JUST happened. Its a pity i don’t want to put it up for the whole world to see though. Pity for you guys, not for me :-p. Anyway, i think i’m done for today. 
Cheers!!!

muahahahaha....

2009-01-19T04:52:00.003+09:00

You know what's funny???
A devilish laugh is written as "MUAHAHAHAHAHA"
A kiss is written as "MUAH"
Laughing is written as "HAHAHAHAHA"
So......
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA"....
Is that really the devil laughing??
Or is it just a kiss followed by laughter???
OR....
Maybe.....
The Devil kissed someone, and is now laughing about it?????
Oh it's good good good to be able to write :)

and i thought the bliss would last.....

2009-01-19T04:16:00.000+09:00

The world is so screwed up. So am i. Listening to U2 today. It’s funny how he’s ALWAYS right. I don’t like it..... sometimes. Scares me about some things. Things that i don’t think i want to talk about here. You know how you get the feeling that you’re not really sure if you’re doing the right thing. Well, i had the feeling since a long time. Now i think i’m sure. Haha. I think i’m sure. I’m not. but i don’t think i should be doing what i’m doing. I’m very scared of saying it to anyone though. I try to convince myself that once i’ve completed my time here, i can do what i want. The problem is, i don’t know what i want to do. There’s so many things. That’s all i have to say on this topic though.
Moving on.
At times, i like being alone. I like that i’ve grown out of getting caught up in these pretentious circles where everyone hates each other, yet, pretends not to. I like that even though i might have very few people i can count on, they are the kinds i could trust with my eyes closed. But then, there are times, when i don’t. I see people pretending to like me, and pretending to be my friend, when they’re actually not. That raises my expectations from them, and gives me a small ray of hope. What if they actually are honest, what if they genuinely do care? It’s not their fault of course. They were probably never taught anything more. But i was. I know better. And sometimes, i wish i didn’t. Like i asked my friend 2 minutes ago, which is better- pretending to care about people and having 5 of those friends, or not pretending, and having just 1 true friend? He of course, agreed with the latter, as do i, ideally. But we don’t live in an ideal world do we? All around, i see temptation. Temptation to give up my righteousness and my so-called ‘principles’, and talk to a few people. It doesn’t matter that their thinking is nothing like mine, or that half the time i speak they think i’m talking gibberish,or that i don’t relate to them at all. At least i’m comfortable. At least i can shut my eyes and bury my head in the false sense of security they provide.
It’s hard.
Makes me wonder why i’m the only one like this. Am i weird?? Or am i the only sane one? I wonder how people can make friends that easily, how they can relate to so many people. Why can’t i? Maybe i am right. Maybe i am insane.
I have so much to learn, or discover, or figure out, or whatever you want to call it. I’m off.

Schmaltz

2009-01-18T23:32:00.000+09:00

I can see the rain beating against my window. It must be cold outside, but I wouldn’t know. I’m sitting in bed, the nostalgic strains of coldplay filling my room. I’m at peace, yet, something stirs somewhere deep inside. And i realise with a silent sigh, the little girl is growing up. It’s a feeling that makes me smile. The kind of smile that barely shows up on my face, but is reflected in my eyes. The kind of smile that makes a single tear show up in each eye. The smile of a kid, who for the first time in a long long time, knows that she is exactly in the right place, at the right time. It’s probably not where she belongs, but it is where she belongs right now. She’s not wiser now, for that would require a certain degree of wisdom to already be present. She’s not more mature, or more intelligent, or smarter. She’s just, herself. And isn’t that all she really needs? She knows who she is, and she’s glad. She can finally give up trying to be someone else, for she is perfect in her imperfection.

After a long time, i feel alive. I WANT to be alive. It’s like a door has been opened somewhere, and all these feelings and sensations and emotions that had been imprisoned there, come rushing out. I can feel again. I can once again, look at a moonlit night sky, and be moved by its beauty. I can once again be touched by the hunger in a stray dog’s eyes. I can once again, feel music, not only just hear it. I can once again, see life in my face, where earlier i just saw, nothing. I can, once again, feel.

Regularity 1

2009-01-18T02:41:00.002+09:00

i’m supposed to be writing regularly. An hour. Everyday. Not that i mind. In the 3 months that i had the fortune of spending with myself, writing has come to be something of a hobby. Mind you, not that i’ve never written before. As my parents will confirm, since i was about 11, i’d get these creative urges, about 2-3 times a year. And out of these urges would come a poem. A GOOD poem in fact!!! But then, i grew up, and all i ever wanted was friends. Hang out with them, talk to them, talk about them, and bleh and blah. Maybe it was my way of escaping from home. Or life.

This is boring. I’ve spent the last 3 years crying about these very issues. Now i’m over them. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I’m BORED of it!!!! But then, i don’t know what to talk about. Had i been given maybe a few words, like 200 or 400 or 600, i might have been able to think of a topic to write on. But, i type REALLY FAST!!! So writing for an hour is a LOT of writing. At this point i’m very aware of the fact that i’m writing as if i were talking to someone. Who am i talking to??? In the recent past, i’ve begun to have serious doubts about my sanity, and my health. Every small (gas-related) ache in my chest seems like a heart attack. Every (again robably gas-related) ache in my abdomen seems like my appendix has burst. Every headache is a brain tumour. Every pimple is some serious infection. If i like people too much, i think i’m just desperate for, love?? If i don’t like ANYONE, i think i’m building walls around myself to avoid getting hurt. Everyone around me seems perfectly capable of leading a normal, happy life with lots of friends and partying and studying and doing everything exactly the way they should. Makes me wonder if i’m special. And i don’t know whether in the good way or the bad way!!! Even as i type this, i’m contemplating putting it up on my blog. Now, to a normal person, the idea might be unthinkable, for the obvious reason of being thought crazy by everyone!!!! But not to me. Of course i DO hesitate, but not for the obvious reason. I just got AseemBhai’s blogs made into a book, which means that i spent a LOT of time reading the enries. Now, everything i write, seems to me, to be slightly affected by his style of writing. I would usually not get influenced by people’s writing, for i am an intellectual snob. But AseemBhai is, well, AseemBhai. He’s a genius, and one of the very very few people in the world who command my respect, so i don’t really mind. But i don’t want to copy him, or anybody for that matter. So i wonder if maybe me putting this up will make it seem like i’m trying to be him. At the very moment that one part of me is thinking up all these ridiculous lines, and reasons, the other part is telling me to, ahem, FISH everything and put it up nonetheless. Who cares what other people think right??

WOW!!! If ANYONE’s reading this, i’m surprised you made it this far!!!!

I mean,

DON’T YOU HAVE A LIFE???!!!

Lol, sorry, but seriously??? Let alone other people, i myself also know exactly how, umm, ridiculous this piece seems, and it’s a wonder someone else can take it too!!

Hmmm.... maybe I AM that good!! :-p

Phew. I don’t think it’s been an hour yet, but I think I’m done for today!!!

Later!!!

p.s. since I have to write EVERYDAY, and well, I can't ask my poor dad( not that he shouldn't, since he's the one who suggested it in the first place :-p) or poor Andy to read what I ramble on about, these posts will ( hopefully!) becme a regular feature here!!! yaayyy!! :)

blah......

2008-12-04T13:04:00.000+09:00

Loneliness is now a close friend, sees me everyday
Life seems to be torpid, yet rushing by
My tears sing me lullabies, they come with the dark
It’s a way of life now, I breathe, I sleep, I cry.

Some memories I keep for company, some too painful to unearth
One bundle, although agonizing, I cannot but preserve.
I store it in the cavity, my heart that once held
My heart, you ask? I gave it away, to He who did deserve.

Six glorious seasons we had. Eternity, we believed, would be ours.
Every moment apart, an insufferable ache.
How curious it is! An older cliché, none might have ever heard
But we were exceptional, we were splendid, never would we break.

Alas! Life happened. And break we did.
That heart of mine, he still possessed, but his own, wanted returned.
Dearest friends of course, he said, we always would remain,
And why not? What I was to him, I had more than earned.

Like the obedient fool that I was, not once did I protest.
A promise I had made, that promise I would keep, my loyalty would be no less.
So I set out, my purpose just one, his happiness to ensure.
I struggled, I strove, I gave all I had. Him, I still could not impress.

I surrender at last. Perhaps I’m mature, or maybe, fatigue overtakes.
That him, I love no more, or ever shall stop, I cannot guarantee.
I know not where life takes me; in silence, I glide along.
My heart, as a souvenir, I leave with him,
My memories, I bring with me.

God???

2008-11-27T02:11:00.002+09:00

One of my older works........

I have a friend, whom I call God
All my deeds he does applaud
Nothing I do is right or wrong
Whether it be lies, or singing a song.

When I need help, it is to him that I go
For me, better than he, who does know?
It might sound strange, but what he says
Is always the answer that in my heart plays

Nirvana is obtained from praying day and night
If you sacrifice all you have, you will see the light
This is what people say, their Gods must be unkind
For my God says, go, wherever most joy you find.

More than you imagine is his love for you
But what he wants back, is not what you think true
Nothing does he require, neither homage nor prayer
All I want is joy, he says, not fear.

Worshipping idols is a waste of time
Don't visit your place of religion? It is no crime!
He would not care if you commit the greatest sin
If it does make you the happiest within

The reason you exist, the purpose of your birth
The only goal, that you have on this earth
Is to be joyful doing whatever you may
It will never be wrong, anytime, any day

Nobody but you does decide your fate
All the miracles, you do create
The tragedy that occurs, you do write
You are the one, who chose to see the light!

God does not give you beauty, nor brains
You gift the to yourself, alongwith your pains
You make it wrong, you make it true
For you see,
No one is your God, but YOU!
(sept. '06)

"Random"

2008-11-25T20:44:00.003+09:00

Today, I stop thinking.

Today, I wear only 1 sock.

Today, I talk to 7 strangers.

Today, I buy cafeteria food worth 3.76 pounds, throw it away, and eat 67% of a Pringles pack instead.

Today, I read the title of the 3 books on my table 17 times each, and then stop.

Today, I sit at my window and stare outside for exactly 9 minutes and 32 seconds.

Today, I take the campus hopper to the other campus, and back, just for the ride.

Today, I wear my specs all day, without needing them.

Today, I draw 6 different geometric shapes on the napkin in front of me.

Today, I’m random.

Or am I?

Uni....

2008-11-25T20:19:00.002+09:00

The sun sets at 4 pm.
The night sky is not black, grey, or even blue. It’s orange.
There is ice in the grass in the mornings.
Rain now passes me by without a second glance.
My weight is my weight… + 15 kgs of clothes.
The highlight of my day is the sunset view of the hill behind my hall. Picturesque is an understatement.
Walking downhill is more noticeable than walking uphill. The rain makes it so.
I actually worked in a library, for the first time.
I stay up late…. Working!
On a sunny weekday afternoon we wear a minimum of 3 layers of clothes.
On an icy weekend evening, we forget 2.5 of those layers, and don’t mind.
I can walk alone in the dark at 2am and not even think of being scared, of anything.
I can sleep in the dark.
Toilet paper sucks!!!
“PISS” drunk has taken on new meaning.
Dinnertime is 5 30 pm.
Breakfast is history.
Everyone has a bad throat. Permanently.
Water is more expensive than coke.
Having work causes me to get extremely creative, write random stuff and put it up on social networking sites hoping for…. God knows what!!!!

The 'grovel'

2008-11-14T08:54:00.000+09:00

So I realize…..

I’d always been doing it…..

Since I can remember….

Grovelling was “my thing”!!!

I did it, and oh! How well!!

Well enough never to let anyone realize that what I was doing had a name…..

A fairly common one at that too!!

In fact, I was a proper “grovel”, who grovelled ( you know, shovel shovels, so…. ).

With everyone….

Friends, the few I had ( or at least thought I did) family, cousins, strangers..

That pretty much sums up ‘everyone’ doesn’t it???

I never did it verbally though….. maybe that was why nobody noticed….

Verbosity was not my thing….. not in this case at least….

I used actions, resources ( HELL a lot!!!) and bleh and blah……

15 years ( or so) of doing it, and being good at it, and using it to my advantage…..

And then, (sh)It happens…….

And it hits me……

I can’t do it anymore.

I’m out of resources.. emotional, more than physical.

I’m out of tolerance ( WHO would have thought THA possible?!?!?!!!)

I’m out of patience

I’m out of consideration……

I choose to live my early conscious years choosing other people…..

And I forgot, in those years, what I was getting from those people…

Nothing.

You use something for long enough, it breaks, unless you take care of it.

And now…. Here I stand….

I sacrificed my choices…… but

Nobody chose me

Not even myself.

I would, except I don’t know how to.

How does someone, who spent her formative years living for other people, depending on other people, taking care of everyone except herself…

How does she learn to live for herself again??

How do I stop caring more about others than about myself?

How do I stop thinking that I owe others, and start realizing how much I owe to myself????

How…….

Do I change the person that I am???

What makes it worse, is that I have nobody to blame.

Nobody but myself.

How much easier life would be if I could just point a finger at someone, or even God…

Blame someone else, get the burden off my back….

But then….

Who said life was easy???

p.s. don’t alert the authorities just yet…..

I can get a few more pieces of writing out before I go completely insane……

If I were to die tonight.......

2008-11-14T08:05:00.001+09:00

If I were to die tonight,

The world would be no different a sight

The grip on the mother’s hand would be no more tight

If I were to die tonight

The autumn leaves still would fall

The morning birds still would call

If I were to die tonight

The snow still, would crunch beneath the feet

The lake still would be a white sheet

If I were to die tonight

The ivy’s climb would falter not

The star resemble still a dot

If I were to die tonight

The lovers’ night no slower would go

The family meal would have no less glow

If I were to die tonight

No harsher would be the drowsy breeze

No gentler on the rocks would be the seas

If I were to die tonight

The shepherd still would be feeling the cold

The drunkard still, would be feeling bold

If I were to die tonight

A soft flutter

A final heave

And the sun rises again.

boredom?

2008-08-14T02:41:00.003+09:00

I got it!!! Now, it seems so obvious, it's hard to imagine I took this long!!!

It's Boredom!!!

Plain, simple, boring, old boredom......

The reason people 'move on'...

the sole purpose of innovation.....

the reason behind 'change'...

not the SOLE reason though.

It's true, what they say.....

The only thing that is constant, is Change.

2008-08-14T01:38:00.002+09:00

This one's gonna come as a shocker after the previous post........

I am now confused to the point that I'm actually doubting my own methods.........

SHOULD i always be nice???

Would I be happier NOT being myself sometimes.........

giving into "GOOD" advice, and trying to be a little more 'worldly-wise'??

Do nice people have NO value.....

EVER?????

Do you HAVE to CONSTANTLY blow your own trumpet just to remind everyone of ur existence?????

This is what the dilemna is.......

Am i happier being myself and being taken for granted, or ...

am i happier being 'worldly-wise' and being valued???

but then....

If I'm not myself..... What exactly would I be valued for????

Is it possible to create the perfect balance???

Be yourself WHILE doing what gets people to notice that you're there...

or that you're gone???

Strange world we live in......

contradicts itself on a regular basis......

yet somehow manages to keep working, keep moving......

We sit in corners and weep, for our dreams, our needs, our wants.....

We're condemned for licking our wounds...

Why???

The world doesn't really give a shit.......

those few who are stupid enough to expose themselves, hoping for some love, hope, ANYTHING positive, just end up battered and ridiculed.

Why should they not have the right to indulge in a little self pity sometimes then???

NOT all the time, mind you... but sometimes????

You can't please all the people all the time...

but then, how wise it is to want to please one person all the time??

Especially when that person is NOT yourself....

is it even possible????

And what's the point in pleasing some of the people some of the time???

The easiest thing to do in such a situation, would SEEM to be, pleasing yourself....

But the consequence of that... is living with yourself... ONLY yourself.....

how many people can be content with that???

Let's talk Rights... or Duties.......

If you have a right to be happy, don't you also have a duty towards yourself to make sure you give it your best shot???

If xyz has a right to be happy at your expense, is there also some kind of duty involved somewhere???

In the ide3al world, rights and duties would probably be 2 sides of a coin....

but then, who among us actually has ever seen an ideal world????

I actually suspect none of this made any sense at all........

But the question is, did it help????

If only I knew how to answer that!

truly metamorphosed!

2008-02-28T04:33:00.002+09:00

A new Var writes here today.........
I can't really say what exactly did the trick.... but it happened..
i'm back... and with a bang too!!!!!!!!!
oh well, at least most of me....... :p
I might be a pushover, or too easy, or not street-smart enough.....
but, I'm happy!!!
I'm happy.......
cos i know who i am!
and i wudn't trade that person for anything else in the whole wide world!!!!
All my life i kept looking for friends...
friends were my passion..... i would die for my friends....... they're my life......
they're all i need.........
and it took me much much more than my fair share of heartbreaks to realise that......
I'm the best friend i'll ever have!!!
what's more.... i love my own company..........
i can sit alone all day and not get bored!!!
i PREFER my own company to that of most people i know......
and I am so proud of myself....
and YES, extremely full of myself.........
This, however, does NOT mean i'm perfect, at least not in the general sense of the word.
i still haven't learnt how to hurt people, no matter how much i might be losing.
i'm still a horrible judge of people.. but i have a feeling that's improving.
i'm stil way too generous.... and not only with my money....
I still don't have the perfect body.... haha.. not even CLOSE.......
I still haven't accomplished a lot of things i'd like to.......
i'm still too gullible... let's face it.. i'm a KID!
I still cry... i still get hurt......
i still have dreams...
i still have needs...
and YES, at times, i STILL crave for a genuine friend to talk to........
But........
i Love myself exactly as I am............
and i love the fact that there's not a single thing i've ever done that i regret...
and given a do-over... i'd probably do everything exactly the same...........
No matter how many faults anyone might see....
yes i might even agree with some of them........
i'm perfect for myself............
I'm the only person i know, who can proudly say that she's never ever EVER hurt anyone intentionally.........
I am the epitome of tolerance and patience, if i say so myself.
i'm the most loyal person i know, once i decide somebody deserves it.
i'm one of the most ethical people i know.
i KNOW i deserve everything good that's EVER happened to me.
and the bad things, i'm extremely thankful, because........
this sounds cliched, but, they made me who i am........ every one of them...........
i don't need to say anything really.
i'm content......
and even though at times, even right now, i forget all this,
i digress, and i get upset, and i start thinking..
but i'm ok with that.
because at the end of the day,
i know i'll get what i deserve,
and...
well.......
i'm happy.
i'm content.
I'm simply ME......
and that's all i need!

2007-12-15T03:22:00.000+09:00

where are we living?????
principles are considered irrational.......
do i want to live in such a world??
i might not be Gandhi or something......
but i do have principles......
and i live by them.....
why should i accept them being disregarded like they're nothing????
i shouldn't!!!
and..
i'm hoping i won't!

2007-12-01T04:19:00.000+09:00

i have nothing to say.
yet, i feel heavy and full....
like maybe a part of me is bursting to get out.
how can something possibly be right AND wrong at d same time???
n how do i know which is which?
i fancied myself on being a lot of things.........
i don't know if i do anymore......
people's opinions?? dont matter!
but what of the ones that do??
which is easier- letting go of EVERYONE to live alone.....
or maybe treating everyone the same and getting urself into such a mess that u dont know urself anymore......?
if i feel bad i'll feel even worse later.....
so what do i do when i feel bad n then i feel bad bout feelin bad?
or maybe if i feel bad cos i CANT feel bad cos that wud only make me feel bad again???
haha! sorry! :-p
the heart that i've silently sedated after months of trying, still wakes up every once in a while....
n lets out a cry of anguish....
silent, yet deafening.....
nobody hears it except me....
nobody feels it..
oh! how i wish they could!
but they cant.....
it bawls like a baby.....
struggling to let itself out of the small corner it's been forced into.....
but the pain pushes it back even further....
they say- learn to live with it.....
how can i?
how can i learn to live my whole life for OTHERS???
how do i learn to live without my heart??
how long can i survive like that??
very long, i know....
but i wish i couldn't.
they say love makes the world go around.....
well it must be prety damn busy doing that cos i dont see any around me...
or at least for me.....
i have yet to figure out WHY.....
why what? i won' tell you that.......
i have also learnt in my encounter with "the world", that people don't like whiners....
well, if you don't like whining, i'd suggest you leave now...
cos i've tied myself up since a long long time....
n today, i'm upset, n i'm gonna indulge myself!
let's take friendship for example......
what is it?
loyalty, consideration, principles, trust??
or is it??
going by my experiences, i'd beg to differ!
however,
despite my many many MANY bad experiences......
there are still a few things i believe in....
and probably always will............
love, DOES make the world go around.....
it ALSO goes around itself.... so if ur givin it, u also will get it back....
n i guess im not givin enough cos a lot of ppl seem to have beaten me in the waiting line to receive!
so maybe, just maybe, i shud dust out my heart, and try again.
friends......
well, i dont know how often...
i dont know how many...
n i sure as hell dont know who......
but genuine friends, DO exist......
different as i might be, i'm sure i'm not the only one of my kind......
i dont want a perfect friend......
just a genuine one......... n wel, he, OR she, might be anywhere....
i guess just ONE of us needs to open our eyes.
with these beliefs, i'll live my life......

so....
on this note,
i end this highly dramatic, depressing, yet delightfully written( thanx! i know its gr8! :-D) post........
as hard as it might be, TRY not to judge me.....

2007-09-13T00:28:00.000+09:00

Once again, I see myself gaining back something i was afraid i had lost forever. Yet, i see the loss of something i thought would always be mine. Am i too stupid? or way too smart for normal people to grasp??
Am i not thinking enough? or maybe i'm thinking too much!!?!
Am i not doing enough?
but then again, maybe i'm doing too much!!
Infinite more questions that keep going through my head could be thrown into space...
but then, are they too few?
or too many???
Forever it seems, is too short a time, for everything, and everyone who claims to last through eternity, leaves too soon for my liking.....
am i too nice? or too manipulative??
Judgement plays a critical role in this world that has more pretense than a 3rd rate bollywood movie.
questions questions questions!!!
who is lying? who is sincere? who is honest? who cares? who will be there??!!!
we spend our whole life analysing everyone's behaviour, yet never realising that maybe somewhere, it's all a reflection of our own selves......
happiness attracts happiness.... n sorrow brings more of itself.........
The key to having good friends...
is to be one yourself!!!!
The key to being free, mentally and physically, is to stop caring so much..........
The SYSTEM has always been there, and always will be.
It's an instrument of those who crave power, and can exercise it through the creation of 'rules and traditions'.
Religion?!?!
WHAT religion????
Who has ever seen God himself??? Who can vouch that anything that is quoted in our 'GREAT HOLY BOOKS' was written by a God, and not a mere control-freak??
Who decides what's wrong and right? good or bad?
moral or immoral??
YOU do!!!

Digest all this....
n keep watching for more......

2007-09-06T07:01:00.001+09:00

under construction!!!!
watch out!!!!