The 'grovel'

So I realize…..

I’d always been doing it…..

Since I can remember….

Grovelling was “my thing”!!!

I did it, and oh! How well!!

Well enough never to let anyone realize that what I was doing had a name…..

A fairly common one at that too!!

In fact, I was a proper “grovel”, who grovelled ( you know, shovel shovels, so…. ).

With everyone….

Friends, the few I had ( or at least thought I did) family, cousins, strangers..

That pretty much sums up ‘everyone’ doesn’t it???

I never did it verbally though….. maybe that was why nobody noticed….

Verbosity was not my thing….. not in this case at least….

I used actions, resources ( HELL a lot!!!) and bleh and blah……

15 years ( or so) of doing it, and being good at it, and using it to my advantage…..

And then, (sh)It happens…….

And it hits me……

I can’t do it anymore.

I’m out of resources.. emotional, more than physical.

I’m out of tolerance ( WHO would have thought THA possible?!?!?!!!)

I’m out of patience

I’m out of consideration……

I choose to live my early conscious years choosing other people…..

And I forgot, in those years, what I was getting from those people…

Nothing.

You use something for long enough, it breaks, unless you take care of it.

And now…. Here I stand….

I sacrificed my choices…… but

Nobody chose me

Not even myself.

I would, except I don’t know how to.

How does someone, who spent her formative years living for other people, depending on other people, taking care of everyone except herself…

How does she learn to live for herself again??

How do I stop caring more about others than about myself?

How do I stop thinking that I owe others, and start realizing how much I owe to myself????

How…….

Do I change the person that I am???

What makes it worse, is that I have nobody to blame.

Nobody but myself.

How much easier life would be if I could just point a finger at someone, or even God…

Blame someone else, get the burden off my back….

But then….

Who said life was easy???

p.s. don’t alert the authorities just yet…..

I can get a few more pieces of writing out before I go completely insane……