blah......

Loneliness is now a close friend, sees me everyday
Life seems to be torpid, yet rushing by
My tears sing me lullabies, they come with the dark
It’s a way of life now, I breathe, I sleep, I cry.

Some memories I keep for company, some too painful to unearth
One bundle, although agonizing, I cannot but preserve.
I store it in the cavity, my heart that once held
My heart, you ask? I gave it away, to He who did deserve.

Six glorious seasons we had. Eternity, we believed, would be ours.
Every moment apart, an insufferable ache.
How curious it is! An older cliché, none might have ever heard
But we were exceptional, we were splendid, never would we break.

Alas! Life happened. And break we did.
That heart of mine, he still possessed, but his own, wanted returned.
Dearest friends of course, he said, we always would remain,
And why not? What I was to him, I had more than earned.

Like the obedient fool that I was, not once did I protest.
A promise I had made, that promise I would keep, my loyalty would be no less.
So I set out, my purpose just one, his happiness to ensure.
I struggled, I strove, I gave all I had. Him, I still could not impress.

I surrender at last. Perhaps I’m mature, or maybe, fatigue overtakes.
That him, I love no more, or ever shall stop, I cannot guarantee.
I know not where life takes me; in silence, I glide along.
My heart, as a souvenir, I leave with him,
My memories, I bring with me.

God???

One of my older works........


I have a friend, whom I call God
All my deeds he does applaud
Nothing I do is right or wrong
Whether it be lies, or singing a song.

When I need help, it is to him that I go
For me, better than he, who does know?
It might sound strange, but what he says
Is always the answer that in my heart plays

Nirvana is obtained from praying day and night
If you sacrifice all you have, you will see the light
This is what people say, their Gods must be unkind
For my God says, go, wherever most joy you find.

More than you imagine is his love for you
But what he wants back, is not what you think true
Nothing does he require, neither homage nor prayer
All I want is joy, he says, not fear.

Worshipping idols is a waste of time
Don't visit your place of religion? It is no crime!
He would not care if you commit the greatest sin
If it does make you the happiest within

The reason you exist, the purpose of your birth
The only goal, that you have on this earth
Is to be joyful doing whatever you may
It will never be wrong, anytime, any day

Nobody but you does decide your fate
All the miracles, you do create
The tragedy that occurs, you do write
You are the one, who chose to see the light!

God does not give you beauty, nor brains
You gift the to yourself, alongwith your pains
You make it wrong, you make it true
For you see,
No one is your God, but YOU!
(sept. '06)

"Random"

Today, I stop thinking.

Today, I wear only 1 sock.

Today, I talk to 7 strangers.

Today, I buy cafeteria food worth 3.76 pounds, throw it away, and eat 67% of a Pringles pack instead.

Today, I read the title of the 3 books on my table 17 times each, and then stop.

Today, I sit at my window and stare outside for exactly 9 minutes and 32 seconds.

Today, I take the campus hopper to the other campus, and back, just for the ride.

Today, I wear my specs all day, without needing them.

Today, I draw 6 different geometric shapes on the napkin in front of me.

Today, I’m random.

Or am I?

Uni....

The sun sets at 4 pm.
The night sky is not black, grey, or even blue. It’s orange.
There is ice in the grass in the mornings.
Rain now passes me by without a second glance.
My weight is my weight… + 15 kgs of clothes.
The highlight of my day is the sunset view of the hill behind my hall. Picturesque is an understatement.
Walking downhill is more noticeable than walking uphill. The rain makes it so.
I actually worked in a library, for the first time.
I stay up late…. Working!
On a sunny weekday afternoon we wear a minimum of 3 layers of clothes.
On an icy weekend evening, we forget 2.5 of those layers, and don’t mind.
I can walk alone in the dark at 2am and not even think of being scared, of anything.
I can sleep in the dark.
Toilet paper sucks!!!
“PISS” drunk has taken on new meaning.
Dinnertime is 5 30 pm.
Breakfast is history.
Everyone has a bad throat. Permanently.
Water is more expensive than coke.
Having work causes me to get extremely creative, write random stuff and put it up on social networking sites hoping for…. God knows what!!!!

The 'grovel'

So I realize…..

I’d always been doing it…..

Since I can remember….

Grovelling was “my thing”!!!

I did it, and oh! How well!!

Well enough never to let anyone realize that what I was doing had a name…..

A fairly common one at that too!!

In fact, I was a proper “grovel”, who grovelled ( you know, shovel shovels, so…. ).

With everyone….

Friends, the few I had ( or at least thought I did) family, cousins, strangers..

That pretty much sums up ‘everyone’ doesn’t it???

I never did it verbally though….. maybe that was why nobody noticed….

Verbosity was not my thing….. not in this case at least….

I used actions, resources ( HELL a lot!!!) and bleh and blah……

15 years ( or so) of doing it, and being good at it, and using it to my advantage…..

And then, (sh)It happens…….

And it hits me……

I can’t do it anymore.

I’m out of resources.. emotional, more than physical.

I’m out of tolerance ( WHO would have thought THA possible?!?!?!!!)

I’m out of patience

I’m out of consideration……

I choose to live my early conscious years choosing other people…..

And I forgot, in those years, what I was getting from those people…

Nothing.

You use something for long enough, it breaks, unless you take care of it.

And now…. Here I stand….

I sacrificed my choices…… but

Nobody chose me

Not even myself.

I would, except I don’t know how to.

How does someone, who spent her formative years living for other people, depending on other people, taking care of everyone except herself…

How does she learn to live for herself again??

How do I stop caring more about others than about myself?

How do I stop thinking that I owe others, and start realizing how much I owe to myself????

How…….

Do I change the person that I am???

What makes it worse, is that I have nobody to blame.

Nobody but myself.

How much easier life would be if I could just point a finger at someone, or even God…

Blame someone else, get the burden off my back….

But then….

Who said life was easy???

p.s. don’t alert the authorities just yet…..

I can get a few more pieces of writing out before I go completely insane……

If I were to die tonight.......

If I were to die tonight,

The world would be no different a sight

The grip on the mother’s hand would be no more tight

If I were to die tonight

The autumn leaves still would fall

The morning birds still would call

If I were to die tonight

The snow still, would crunch beneath the feet

The lake still would be a white sheet

If I were to die tonight

The ivy’s climb would falter not

The star resemble still a dot

If I were to die tonight

The lovers’ night no slower would go

The family meal would have no less glow

If I were to die tonight

No harsher would be the drowsy breeze

No gentler on the rocks would be the seas

If I were to die tonight

The shepherd still would be feeling the cold

The drunkard still, would be feeling bold

If I were to die tonight

A soft flutter

A final heave

And the sun rises again.

boredom?

I got it!!! Now, it seems so obvious, it's hard to imagine I took this long!!!

It's Boredom!!!

Plain, simple, boring, old boredom......

The reason people 'move on'...

the sole purpose of innovation.....

the reason behind 'change'...

not the SOLE reason though.

It's true, what they say.....

The only thing that is constant, is Change.

This one's gonna come as a shocker after the previous post........

I am now confused to the point that I'm actually doubting my own methods.........

SHOULD i always be nice???

Would I be happier NOT being myself sometimes.........

giving into "GOOD" advice, and trying to be a little more 'worldly-wise'??

Do nice people have NO value.....

EVER?????

Do you HAVE to CONSTANTLY blow your own trumpet just to remind everyone of ur existence?????

This is what the dilemna is.......

Am i happier being myself and being taken for granted, or ...

am i happier being 'worldly-wise' and being valued???

but then....

If I'm not myself..... What exactly would I be valued for????

Is it possible to create the perfect balance???

Be yourself WHILE doing what gets people to notice that you're there...

or that you're gone???

Strange world we live in......

contradicts itself on a regular basis......

yet somehow manages to keep working, keep moving......

We sit in corners and weep, for our dreams, our needs, our wants.....

We're condemned for licking our wounds...

Why???

The world doesn't really give a shit.......

those few who are stupid enough to expose themselves, hoping for some love, hope, ANYTHING positive, just end up battered and ridiculed.

Why should they not have the right to indulge in a little self pity sometimes then???

NOT all the time, mind you... but sometimes????

You can't please all the people all the time...

but then, how wise it is to want to please one person all the time??

Especially when that person is NOT yourself....

is it even possible????

And what's the point in pleasing some of the people some of the time???

The easiest thing to do in such a situation, would SEEM to be, pleasing yourself....

But the consequence of that... is living with yourself... ONLY yourself.....

how many people can be content with that???

Let's talk Rights... or Duties.......

If you have a right to be happy, don't you also have a duty towards yourself to make sure you give it your best shot???

If xyz has a right to be happy at your expense, is there also some kind of duty involved somewhere???

In the ide3al world, rights and duties would probably be 2 sides of a coin....

but then, who among us actually has ever seen an ideal world????

I actually suspect none of this made any sense at all........

But the question is, did it help????

If only I knew how to answer that!

truly metamorphosed!

A new Var writes here today.........
I can't really say what exactly did the trick.... but it happened..
i'm back... and with a bang too!!!!!!!!!
oh well, at least most of me....... :p
I might be a pushover, or too easy, or not street-smart enough.....
but, I'm happy!!!
I'm happy.......
cos i know who i am!
and i wudn't trade that person for anything else in the whole wide world!!!!
All my life i kept looking for friends...
friends were my passion..... i would die for my friends....... they're my life......
they're all i need.........
and it took me much much more than my fair share of heartbreaks to realise that......
I'm the best friend i'll ever have!!!
what's more.... i love my own company..........
i can sit alone all day and not get bored!!!
i PREFER my own company to that of most people i know......
and I am so proud of myself....
and YES, extremely full of myself.........
This, however, does NOT mean i'm perfect, at least not in the general sense of the word.
i still haven't learnt how to hurt people, no matter how much i might be losing.
i'm still a horrible judge of people.. but i have a feeling that's improving.
i'm stil way too generous.... and not only with my money....
I still don't have the perfect body.... haha.. not even CLOSE.......
I still haven't accomplished a lot of things i'd like to.......
i'm still too gullible... let's face it.. i'm a KID!
I still cry... i still get hurt......
i still have dreams...
i still have needs...
and YES, at times, i STILL crave for a genuine friend to talk to........
But........
i Love myself exactly as I am............
and i love the fact that there's not a single thing i've ever done that i regret...
and given a do-over... i'd probably do everything exactly the same...........
No matter how many faults anyone might see....
yes i might even agree with some of them........
i'm perfect for myself............
I'm the only person i know, who can proudly say that she's never ever EVER hurt anyone intentionally.........
I am the epitome of tolerance and patience, if i say so myself.
i'm the most loyal person i know, once i decide somebody deserves it.
i'm one of the most ethical people i know.
i KNOW i deserve everything good that's EVER happened to me.
and the bad things, i'm extremely thankful, because........
this sounds cliched, but, they made me who i am........ every one of them...........
i don't need to say anything really.
i'm content......
and even though at times, even right now, i forget all this,
i digress, and i get upset, and i start thinking..
but i'm ok with that.
because at the end of the day,
i know i'll get what i deserve,
and...
well.......
i'm happy.
i'm content.
I'm simply ME......
and that's all i need!