Dr. Frankenstein set out to achieve a modern day miracle. He created, instead, a monster that even he didn’t fully understand. I find it almost hilarious, how much this coincides with the world, as i’ve seen it in the 20 years that I’ve been here.
People go about their whole lives, twisting themselves into inextricable messes. They lie, they cheat, disrespect, embarrass, hurt, THEMSELVES. Yet, somehow find a way to pin it down on the easiest scapegoat around. The funniest part, however, is yet to come. Too afraid to look into their own selves, they start looking around for friends, mates, someone who would “understand” them. Newsflash: AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!!!
You wake up one day, threatened by the monster you created, and what do you do? Hmm. Let’s see. Oh! You run to the world to save you. And when EVERYONE you’ve counted on fails to deliver, you blame the one person who won’t retaliate – God. Let me solve your little problem now. Answer me this – YOU created the mess you’re in, and now, it’s beyond your own comprehension. Why, I wonder, would you think that ANYONE else knows any better??
Moral of the Story : You can let the world wipe your ass, but nobody will do it better than you.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
this one doesn't need a title.........
It seems to be true, what all these great people have been saying over the ages. A life without risk, is hardly a life at all. You do have the other option, of course, of squandering your life away, holed up in your tiny shelter, WAITING for life to notice you. Here’s a thought - life has forgotten about you, sitting there in your nook. Greatness does not come to those who wait. It comes, instead, to those who go after it.
A risk, by definition, is exposure to loss or destruction. So it is but natural that those who dared to venture out would suffer losses, sometimes of magnanimous proportions. Consider this, however – perhaps there is something greater waiting for you to come grab it. Perhaps the only way to be the best, is to have the courage to let go of the comfort of second best. Sometimes you need to jump, without a safety net. Security and comfort are the pleasures of those who compromise. Comfort hinders growth. As soon as a person gets comfortable, they stop striving. as soon as they stop striving, they give up their position in the race. They’re off track, and there they shall remain, as long as they’re ‘comfortable’.
The greater your risk, the greater your life will be after. And along with greatness, comes a feeling of profound peace. Not the peace that comfort deluded you with. Rather, real peace,( at the risk of getting slightly heavy here) the kind that provides you with the euphoria of finally grasping what being one with the universe implies. It is at this point, that you have everything you ever dreamed of. You are, however, also fully aware, that this is not the zenith of your evolution. Once the process has begun, it shall cease only with your last breath, perhaps not even then. It is also at this very time, that you might, perhaps, regain all that you had lost in the process. Maybe it shall be even greater now, in tune with the quality of your life.
Perhaps, the only way to achieve your dream is to let it go for a while.
If it is meant to be, nothing, not even you can prevent it.
A risk, by definition, is exposure to loss or destruction. So it is but natural that those who dared to venture out would suffer losses, sometimes of magnanimous proportions. Consider this, however – perhaps there is something greater waiting for you to come grab it. Perhaps the only way to be the best, is to have the courage to let go of the comfort of second best. Sometimes you need to jump, without a safety net. Security and comfort are the pleasures of those who compromise. Comfort hinders growth. As soon as a person gets comfortable, they stop striving. as soon as they stop striving, they give up their position in the race. They’re off track, and there they shall remain, as long as they’re ‘comfortable’.
The greater your risk, the greater your life will be after. And along with greatness, comes a feeling of profound peace. Not the peace that comfort deluded you with. Rather, real peace,( at the risk of getting slightly heavy here) the kind that provides you with the euphoria of finally grasping what being one with the universe implies. It is at this point, that you have everything you ever dreamed of. You are, however, also fully aware, that this is not the zenith of your evolution. Once the process has begun, it shall cease only with your last breath, perhaps not even then. It is also at this very time, that you might, perhaps, regain all that you had lost in the process. Maybe it shall be even greater now, in tune with the quality of your life.
Perhaps, the only way to achieve your dream is to let it go for a while.
If it is meant to be, nothing, not even you can prevent it.
Fix You
For once, I have nothing of my own to say.
Like I said, it's surprising how sometimes the right song hits you at just the right time.
Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Like I said, it's surprising how sometimes the right song hits you at just the right time.
Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Purpose in Life......
Here is an excerpt from Ramtha. It brings me joy.
To be happy and joyous is the Father's only desire for you. It is, indeed, the grandest emotional value there is. It is the greatest accomplishment in life. To have understood and become joy is the only destiny that God has given to all mankind, whatever plane they are upon, whatever understanding they have achieved. For when you have returned to a state of joy and happiness, you have returned to a state of God-for joy is what the Father is. It is an isness that is in joy at all times.
The Father has given you the power to create whatever you desire, from the vilest of things to the greatest beauty of things. He will become anything you desire him to be in your search for understanding joy. And will he ever judge your actions or the fulfillment of your desires? Nay, he never will. That is the love of Father to son, life- force to life-force. All he wants you to do is whatever it takes to be happy, joyful; for that is the only way you will come to know the Father and to be as he is.
What is joy? Joy is the freedom of movement without interruption. It is the freedom of expression without judgment.. It is the freedom of being without fear or guilt. Joy is knowing that you are creating life on your own terms. It is the sublime movement of self allowed. That is joy.
Why is joy the grandest state of being? Because when you are in a state of joy, you are in the flow of what God is. And in that flow, there is no room for jealousy, anger, bitterness or war. It is difficult to hate anyone, it is difficult to be-siege anyone, it is difficult to hurt anyone when you are in a state of joy. When you are happy and joyful, you love God seen in all things. .
In an exuberant state of joy, you are at peace with everything about you. When you are in joy with life, you cannot feel remorseful or insecure, fearful, angry or lacking. In a state of joy you are fulfilled and complete, and life, wisdom and creativity flow like a mighty river from within your being. In a state of joy, you are inspired to the heights of greatness and the depths of feeling.
In a state of joy, life becomes the fervor and intensity of a dawn when the sky is the most beauteous color of rose, the clouds are tinged with fiery red, and birds are singing in the trees. In joy, you cease to age and will live forever, for life is no longer a drudgery but a wondrous adventure that you only hunger for more of. When joy is apparent, you are at one within your kingdom of self. In a state such as that, you have found utopia.
How do you become joyful? By knowing that every moment of your life gives you the freedom and opportunity to express joy, if that is your desire. And by knowing there is nothing that is ever worth separating yourself from happiness and joy. ..and God. Nothing! And by loving yourself completely, through and through-for you love God when you do.
To be happy and joyous is the Father's only desire for you. It is, indeed, the grandest emotional value there is. It is the greatest accomplishment in life. To have understood and become joy is the only destiny that God has given to all mankind, whatever plane they are upon, whatever understanding they have achieved. For when you have returned to a state of joy and happiness, you have returned to a state of God-for joy is what the Father is. It is an isness that is in joy at all times.
The Father has given you the power to create whatever you desire, from the vilest of things to the greatest beauty of things. He will become anything you desire him to be in your search for understanding joy. And will he ever judge your actions or the fulfillment of your desires? Nay, he never will. That is the love of Father to son, life- force to life-force. All he wants you to do is whatever it takes to be happy, joyful; for that is the only way you will come to know the Father and to be as he is.
What is joy? Joy is the freedom of movement without interruption. It is the freedom of expression without judgment.. It is the freedom of being without fear or guilt. Joy is knowing that you are creating life on your own terms. It is the sublime movement of self allowed. That is joy.
Why is joy the grandest state of being? Because when you are in a state of joy, you are in the flow of what God is. And in that flow, there is no room for jealousy, anger, bitterness or war. It is difficult to hate anyone, it is difficult to be-siege anyone, it is difficult to hurt anyone when you are in a state of joy. When you are happy and joyful, you love God seen in all things. .
In an exuberant state of joy, you are at peace with everything about you. When you are in joy with life, you cannot feel remorseful or insecure, fearful, angry or lacking. In a state of joy you are fulfilled and complete, and life, wisdom and creativity flow like a mighty river from within your being. In a state of joy, you are inspired to the heights of greatness and the depths of feeling.
In a state of joy, life becomes the fervor and intensity of a dawn when the sky is the most beauteous color of rose, the clouds are tinged with fiery red, and birds are singing in the trees. In joy, you cease to age and will live forever, for life is no longer a drudgery but a wondrous adventure that you only hunger for more of. When joy is apparent, you are at one within your kingdom of self. In a state such as that, you have found utopia.
How do you become joyful? By knowing that every moment of your life gives you the freedom and opportunity to express joy, if that is your desire. And by knowing there is nothing that is ever worth separating yourself from happiness and joy. ..and God. Nothing! And by loving yourself completely, through and through-for you love God when you do.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Hot
She wakes up at 7 am to the strains of Beethoven. Her eyes still closed, and arms stretched in a princess-like fashion, she expects to feel the first rays infusing her person with a delicate glow. An imaginary camera in the top-left corner of her room inspires the over dramatisation. The rays do not come. She moves on to the next ‘scene’, albeit slightly disturbed by the deviance. Gliding through her perfectly designed ‘set’ of a bedroom, she opens the window and waits for the cool breeze to sift through her hair. A blast of hot construction air hits her instead. She stares at the freshly cemented bricks, and wails. Her story is over. Life begins.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Hmm....
This is what Socrates says to me today - "The unexamined life is not worth living"
Should I take it as some kind of consolation for the number of times I've been told I think too much?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Should I take it as some kind of consolation for the number of times I've been told I think too much?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
The Great Wall of Chinu
Oh here come these emotions again. I’m tired of them. They keep asking me to build some kind of wall, Great Wall of Chinu they call it (hahaha). The reason? i don’t get it, but apparently, they’re mortally wounded, some have even died. No wonder i’ve been feeling like a cold hearted bitch these days. I’ve been contemplating giving in to their demands. Of course, their ‘we-won’t-stop-confounding-you-till-you-build-the-wall’ movement has made a great impact. Oh crap! Another one just died. I’m told her name was Mrs. Give-a-shit-about-people. She is survived by one husband and one spoilt brat of a kid. Mr. Give-a-shit-about-people is now threatening to sue me for over-working his wife. I should leave before this gets out of hand.
Say it isn't so (nothin to do wit the post.it's just playin in the bckground)
So, you could say today has been a semi-productive day. I finally got that gym membership!!! And i start tomorrow :D yaaayy!! I also had a few realisations, got a couple of eye-openers, and showered. Since i had nothing better to do, i spent most of my day wondering what i should write about. Couldn’t come up with anything at all, hence you’re stuck with another one of these, umm, pieces.
Was up really late last night, although i’d hardly call it late since i do it every night. Anyhow, discovered a weird art movie in my lappy called “Psychopathia Sexualis”. Turns out it’s based on a very famous book by the same name, written by Richard von Krafft-Ebing, a psychiatrist-sexologist(???), in the late 19th century. The movie was disgusting, that’s all i have to say on that topic. And it was NOT what you’re thinking.
On a different note, facebook led to one of the above-mentioned ‘eye-openers’, and it’s not pretty. I will, for obvious reasons, not be very specific about the reason, or the person behind this. It serves me right for expecting. I really should have known better.
As for my realisations, well, there were many, many, since that’s what i do when i have nothing better to do. I think, and analyse my thoughts, and everyone around me, and then come to fascinating, albeit strange conclusions. So, here goes......
I am convinced of the extremely high level of superficiality of everyone around me. I do not KNOW this fact, but i AM convinced of it. Another on-going conflict between logic and, uhh, whatever part of me it is that is convinced of the fact. This, in turn, leads to me judging myself based on everything i think other people might care about. I assure you, if my judgments are anything to go by, i am definitely going to die alone. The reason for my conviction, however, is still unclear, although i strongly suspect that it has a lot to do with certain people very close to me, and their failed attempts to get me to conform to acceptable body ‘standards’. If you ever read this, ( and i’m pretty sure you will), KNOW that I am NOT implying that your criteria of judgment is anything like mine for myself, or that i’m trying to blame you for how i think. That is not the case.
We now come to the second realisation for today. Hugs are definitely underrated. I’m not a very physical person, i.e. i don’t give, or take hugs too readily. But when i do, it means something, sometimes, it means everything. If i were asked to recall the happiest moments of my life yet, a lot of them would have to do with me and someone important and hugs. However, i do NOT understand the concept of hugging everyone you meet?? I choose to save my hugs only for special people, and as of this moment, i’m going to start acting on it.
There were more epiphanies ( obviously, since thinking is all i ever do), but they elude me at this moment. Also, although i WANT to write, my thoughts seem not to want to co-operate, and keep running off in different directions making it difficult to string together a single sentence.
Today has been a weird day.
I’m still convinced that i’ll die alone. However, i’m also convinced that the day i let go of my desperation, it’s all going to come rushing to me.
I am now going to lie in bed and watch 15 minutes of some movie before i drift off.
Cheers.
Or not.
Was up really late last night, although i’d hardly call it late since i do it every night. Anyhow, discovered a weird art movie in my lappy called “Psychopathia Sexualis”. Turns out it’s based on a very famous book by the same name, written by Richard von Krafft-Ebing, a psychiatrist-sexologist(???), in the late 19th century. The movie was disgusting, that’s all i have to say on that topic. And it was NOT what you’re thinking.
On a different note, facebook led to one of the above-mentioned ‘eye-openers’, and it’s not pretty. I will, for obvious reasons, not be very specific about the reason, or the person behind this. It serves me right for expecting. I really should have known better.
As for my realisations, well, there were many, many, since that’s what i do when i have nothing better to do. I think, and analyse my thoughts, and everyone around me, and then come to fascinating, albeit strange conclusions. So, here goes......
I am convinced of the extremely high level of superficiality of everyone around me. I do not KNOW this fact, but i AM convinced of it. Another on-going conflict between logic and, uhh, whatever part of me it is that is convinced of the fact. This, in turn, leads to me judging myself based on everything i think other people might care about. I assure you, if my judgments are anything to go by, i am definitely going to die alone. The reason for my conviction, however, is still unclear, although i strongly suspect that it has a lot to do with certain people very close to me, and their failed attempts to get me to conform to acceptable body ‘standards’. If you ever read this, ( and i’m pretty sure you will), KNOW that I am NOT implying that your criteria of judgment is anything like mine for myself, or that i’m trying to blame you for how i think. That is not the case.
We now come to the second realisation for today. Hugs are definitely underrated. I’m not a very physical person, i.e. i don’t give, or take hugs too readily. But when i do, it means something, sometimes, it means everything. If i were asked to recall the happiest moments of my life yet, a lot of them would have to do with me and someone important and hugs. However, i do NOT understand the concept of hugging everyone you meet?? I choose to save my hugs only for special people, and as of this moment, i’m going to start acting on it.
There were more epiphanies ( obviously, since thinking is all i ever do), but they elude me at this moment. Also, although i WANT to write, my thoughts seem not to want to co-operate, and keep running off in different directions making it difficult to string together a single sentence.
Today has been a weird day.
I’m still convinced that i’ll die alone. However, i’m also convinced that the day i let go of my desperation, it’s all going to come rushing to me.
I am now going to lie in bed and watch 15 minutes of some movie before i drift off.
Cheers.
Or not.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Narcissistic tendencies?? really??
I’m back
I’ve been bitten by the writing bug, and bitten hard i tell you! Seems like writing is all i ever want to do!!! And then i have to restrain myself, because i’m afraid that if i do too much of it i might get bored of it ( like i do of everything else i do for a while :-s), and not want to do it anymore!!!
Today, i revel in the beauty that is the music of Pink Floyd. I’ve been told to be more versatile in my approach towards these pieces of art i type everyday. In other words, to stop writing about myself!!!! :-p
So i need to think of a new topic, something other than ME, or my principles, or my confusions, or my life. :-p. Hmm. Let’s see....
Errr. Ermmm. Aahhh. Ummm. Ok, i give up. Since i can think of nothing better, or non-cliched to write about, i’m just going to start with describing my day, and see where it leads. :-p
I slept at about 4 am ( i write this, because well, it happened TODAY!), woke up at 9, but decided it really wasn’t worth it, so went to bed again. Finally woke up at about 1, with a weird message from this dude who i exchanged about 4 lines with, once upon a time when school would force me to wake up at an earthly hour! I lay in bed, reading the message over and over again, wondering exactly why this dude would be sending me an international text!!! After about 5 minutes, i decided i didn’t really care, got out of bed, ( ran to the loo :-p), connected to the internet,checked my mail hoping for something, ANYthing to incite some interest. Nothing. All this while, of course, my mind is talking away to glory, trying to catch my attention. I finally give in, and this is what i get – my room stinks, need to do my laundry!! Should shower today, i stink too, it’s been about, ahem, 24 hrs since my last one! Pay all kinds of different fees. Join the gym. Get a job. And so on and so forth.....
Ok i have too many people buzzing and pinging trying desperately to get 2 non-distracted words out of me. I’ll be back soon.
Ok i’m back. Scared mom away with the prospect of, oh well, never mind. So, the music has now changed to Nirvana. Oh Kurt! :”>. I’ve lost my train of thought now .
Kurt has now been replaced by this amazing guitar solo from Fade to Black (Metallica). Slight mood shift accompanied. That of course also had something to do with an on-going conversation with HIM! You know, the one who’s always right. I’m not talking about God( HA! He wishes!), although this particular individual might beg to differ ;-). So, i honestly don’t recall him ever being wrong, except of course with spellings, which i’m almost impeccable with . But then, in the large scheme of things, that doesn’t matter (obviously).
Now if i had actually been writing about anything meaningful at all, i would totally have been digressing, but as it turns out, i’m not, since i wasn’t writing about anything to begin with. I’m going to have to start hunting for accommodation for next year soon. Apparently people started booking last November. Why?? Don’t they have better things to do. I do! Which is precisely why i have still not gotten around to unpacking, or doing my laundry, or any of those things, which don’t matter. I mean, 10 years from now, when i’m all famous and rich, people are going to WANT their kids to be like me. To get so lost in living, that they have no time for these utterly pointless tasks that human beings have devised probably just to keep themselves from dying of boredom. It’s true. The only time i ever clean my room is if i really really need to do something to keep myself busy.
This reminds me, i need to start hunting for a second-hand guitar. I figure if i can stick to writing for this long, and love it, maybe now is the time that i can take up the guitar. Maybe i’ll be able to stick to that too this time . And the gym of course. Hehe.
Oh something worth mentioning JUST happened. Its a pity i don’t want to put it up for the whole world to see though. Pity for you guys, not for me :-p. Anyway, i think i’m done for today.
Cheers!!!
I’ve been bitten by the writing bug, and bitten hard i tell you! Seems like writing is all i ever want to do!!! And then i have to restrain myself, because i’m afraid that if i do too much of it i might get bored of it ( like i do of everything else i do for a while :-s), and not want to do it anymore!!!
Today, i revel in the beauty that is the music of Pink Floyd. I’ve been told to be more versatile in my approach towards these pieces of art i type everyday. In other words, to stop writing about myself!!!! :-p
So i need to think of a new topic, something other than ME, or my principles, or my confusions, or my life. :-p. Hmm. Let’s see....
Errr. Ermmm. Aahhh. Ummm. Ok, i give up. Since i can think of nothing better, or non-cliched to write about, i’m just going to start with describing my day, and see where it leads. :-p
I slept at about 4 am ( i write this, because well, it happened TODAY!), woke up at 9, but decided it really wasn’t worth it, so went to bed again. Finally woke up at about 1, with a weird message from this dude who i exchanged about 4 lines with, once upon a time when school would force me to wake up at an earthly hour! I lay in bed, reading the message over and over again, wondering exactly why this dude would be sending me an international text!!! After about 5 minutes, i decided i didn’t really care, got out of bed, ( ran to the loo :-p), connected to the internet,checked my mail hoping for something, ANYthing to incite some interest. Nothing. All this while, of course, my mind is talking away to glory, trying to catch my attention. I finally give in, and this is what i get – my room stinks, need to do my laundry!! Should shower today, i stink too, it’s been about, ahem, 24 hrs since my last one! Pay all kinds of different fees. Join the gym. Get a job. And so on and so forth.....
Ok i have too many people buzzing and pinging trying desperately to get 2 non-distracted words out of me. I’ll be back soon.
Ok i’m back. Scared mom away with the prospect of, oh well, never mind. So, the music has now changed to Nirvana. Oh Kurt! :”>. I’ve lost my train of thought now .
Kurt has now been replaced by this amazing guitar solo from Fade to Black (Metallica). Slight mood shift accompanied. That of course also had something to do with an on-going conversation with HIM! You know, the one who’s always right. I’m not talking about God( HA! He wishes!), although this particular individual might beg to differ ;-). So, i honestly don’t recall him ever being wrong, except of course with spellings, which i’m almost impeccable with . But then, in the large scheme of things, that doesn’t matter (obviously).
Now if i had actually been writing about anything meaningful at all, i would totally have been digressing, but as it turns out, i’m not, since i wasn’t writing about anything to begin with. I’m going to have to start hunting for accommodation for next year soon. Apparently people started booking last November. Why?? Don’t they have better things to do. I do! Which is precisely why i have still not gotten around to unpacking, or doing my laundry, or any of those things, which don’t matter. I mean, 10 years from now, when i’m all famous and rich, people are going to WANT their kids to be like me. To get so lost in living, that they have no time for these utterly pointless tasks that human beings have devised probably just to keep themselves from dying of boredom. It’s true. The only time i ever clean my room is if i really really need to do something to keep myself busy.
This reminds me, i need to start hunting for a second-hand guitar. I figure if i can stick to writing for this long, and love it, maybe now is the time that i can take up the guitar. Maybe i’ll be able to stick to that too this time . And the gym of course. Hehe.
Oh something worth mentioning JUST happened. Its a pity i don’t want to put it up for the whole world to see though. Pity for you guys, not for me :-p. Anyway, i think i’m done for today.
Cheers!!!
Monday, January 19, 2009
muahahahaha....
You know what's funny???
A devilish laugh is written as "MUAHAHAHAHAHA"
A kiss is written as "MUAH"
Laughing is written as "HAHAHAHAHA"
So......
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA"....
Is that really the devil laughing??
Or is it just a kiss followed by laughter???
OR....
Maybe.....
The Devil kissed someone, and is now laughing about it?????
Oh it's good good good to be able to write :)
A devilish laugh is written as "MUAHAHAHAHAHA"
A kiss is written as "MUAH"
Laughing is written as "HAHAHAHAHA"
So......
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA"....
Is that really the devil laughing??
Or is it just a kiss followed by laughter???
OR....
Maybe.....
The Devil kissed someone, and is now laughing about it?????
Oh it's good good good to be able to write :)
and i thought the bliss would last.....
The world is so screwed up. So am i. Listening to U2 today. It’s funny how he’s ALWAYS right. I don’t like it..... sometimes. Scares me about some things. Things that i don’t think i want to talk about here. You know how you get the feeling that you’re not really sure if you’re doing the right thing. Well, i had the feeling since a long time. Now i think i’m sure. Haha. I think i’m sure. I’m not. but i don’t think i should be doing what i’m doing. I’m very scared of saying it to anyone though. I try to convince myself that once i’ve completed my time here, i can do what i want. The problem is, i don’t know what i want to do. There’s so many things. That’s all i have to say on this topic though.
Moving on.
At times, i like being alone. I like that i’ve grown out of getting caught up in these pretentious circles where everyone hates each other, yet, pretends not to. I like that even though i might have very few people i can count on, they are the kinds i could trust with my eyes closed. But then, there are times, when i don’t. I see people pretending to like me, and pretending to be my friend, when they’re actually not. That raises my expectations from them, and gives me a small ray of hope. What if they actually are honest, what if they genuinely do care? It’s not their fault of course. They were probably never taught anything more. But i was. I know better. And sometimes, i wish i didn’t. Like i asked my friend 2 minutes ago, which is better- pretending to care about people and having 5 of those friends, or not pretending, and having just 1 true friend? He of course, agreed with the latter, as do i, ideally. But we don’t live in an ideal world do we? All around, i see temptation. Temptation to give up my righteousness and my so-called ‘principles’, and talk to a few people. It doesn’t matter that their thinking is nothing like mine, or that half the time i speak they think i’m talking gibberish,or that i don’t relate to them at all. At least i’m comfortable. At least i can shut my eyes and bury my head in the false sense of security they provide.
It’s hard.
Makes me wonder why i’m the only one like this. Am i weird?? Or am i the only sane one? I wonder how people can make friends that easily, how they can relate to so many people. Why can’t i? Maybe i am right. Maybe i am insane.
I have so much to learn, or discover, or figure out, or whatever you want to call it. I’m off.
Moving on.
At times, i like being alone. I like that i’ve grown out of getting caught up in these pretentious circles where everyone hates each other, yet, pretends not to. I like that even though i might have very few people i can count on, they are the kinds i could trust with my eyes closed. But then, there are times, when i don’t. I see people pretending to like me, and pretending to be my friend, when they’re actually not. That raises my expectations from them, and gives me a small ray of hope. What if they actually are honest, what if they genuinely do care? It’s not their fault of course. They were probably never taught anything more. But i was. I know better. And sometimes, i wish i didn’t. Like i asked my friend 2 minutes ago, which is better- pretending to care about people and having 5 of those friends, or not pretending, and having just 1 true friend? He of course, agreed with the latter, as do i, ideally. But we don’t live in an ideal world do we? All around, i see temptation. Temptation to give up my righteousness and my so-called ‘principles’, and talk to a few people. It doesn’t matter that their thinking is nothing like mine, or that half the time i speak they think i’m talking gibberish,or that i don’t relate to them at all. At least i’m comfortable. At least i can shut my eyes and bury my head in the false sense of security they provide.
It’s hard.
Makes me wonder why i’m the only one like this. Am i weird?? Or am i the only sane one? I wonder how people can make friends that easily, how they can relate to so many people. Why can’t i? Maybe i am right. Maybe i am insane.
I have so much to learn, or discover, or figure out, or whatever you want to call it. I’m off.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Schmaltz
I can see the rain beating against my window. It must be cold outside, but I wouldn’t know. I’m sitting in bed, the nostalgic strains of coldplay filling my room. I’m at peace, yet, something stirs somewhere deep inside. And i realise with a silent sigh, the little girl is growing up. It’s a feeling that makes me smile. The kind of smile that barely shows up on my face, but is reflected in my eyes. The kind of smile that makes a single tear show up in each eye. The smile of a kid, who for the first time in a long long time, knows that she is exactly in the right place, at the right time. It’s probably not where she belongs, but it is where she belongs right now. She’s not wiser now, for that would require a certain degree of wisdom to already be present. She’s not more mature, or more intelligent, or smarter. She’s just, herself. And isn’t that all she really needs? She knows who she is, and she’s glad. She can finally give up trying to be someone else, for she is perfect in her imperfection.
After a long time, i feel alive. I WANT to be alive. It’s like a door has been opened somewhere, and all these feelings and sensations and emotions that had been imprisoned there, come rushing out. I can feel again. I can once again, look at a moonlit night sky, and be moved by its beauty. I can once again be touched by the hunger in a stray dog’s eyes. I can once again, feel music, not only just hear it. I can once again, see life in my face, where earlier i just saw, nothing. I can, once again, feel.Regularity 1
i’m supposed to be writing regularly. An hour. Everyday. Not that i mind. In the 3 months that i had the fortune of spending with myself, writing has come to be something of a hobby. Mind you, not that i’ve never written before. As my parents will confirm, since i was about 11, i’d get these creative urges, about 2-3 times a year. And out of these urges would come a poem. A GOOD poem in fact!!! But then, i grew up, and all i ever wanted was friends. Hang out with them, talk to them, talk about them, and bleh and blah. Maybe it was my way of escaping from home. Or life.
This is boring. I’ve spent the last 3 years crying about these very issues. Now i’m over them. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I’m BORED of it!!!! But then, i don’t know what to talk about. Had i been given maybe a few words, like 200 or 400 or 600, i might have been able to think of a topic to write on. But, i type REALLY FAST!!! So writing for an hour is a LOT of writing. At this point i’m very aware of the fact that i’m writing as if i were talking to someone. Who am i talking to??? In the recent past, i’ve begun to have serious doubts about my sanity, and my health. Every small (gas-related) ache in my chest seems like a heart attack. Every (again robably gas-related) ache in my abdomen seems like my appendix has burst. Every headache is a brain tumour. Every pimple is some serious infection. If i like people too much, i think i’m just desperate for, love?? If i don’t like ANYONE, i think i’m building walls around myself to avoid getting hurt. Everyone around me seems perfectly capable of leading a normal, happy life with lots of friends and partying and studying and doing everything exactly the way they should. Makes me wonder if i’m special. And i don’t know whether in the good way or the bad way!!! Even as i type this, i’m contemplating putting it up on my blog. Now, to a normal person, the idea might be unthinkable, for the obvious reason of being thought crazy by everyone!!!! But not to me. Of course i DO hesitate, but not for the obvious reason. I just got AseemBhai’s blogs made into a book, which means that i spent a LOT of time reading the enries. Now, everything i write, seems to me, to be slightly affected by his style of writing. I would usually not get influenced by people’s writing, for i am an intellectual snob. But AseemBhai is, well, AseemBhai. He’s a genius, and one of the very very few people in the world who command my respect, so i don’t really mind. But i don’t want to copy him, or anybody for that matter. So i wonder if maybe me putting this up will make it seem like i’m trying to be him. At the very moment that one part of me is thinking up all these ridiculous lines, and reasons, the other part is telling me to, ahem, FISH everything and put it up nonetheless. Who cares what other people think right??
WOW!!! If ANYONE’s reading this, i’m surprised you made it this far!!!!
I mean,
DON’T YOU HAVE A LIFE???!!!
Lol, sorry, but seriously??? Let alone other people, i myself also know exactly how, umm, ridiculous this piece seems, and it’s a wonder someone else can take it too!!
Hmmm.... maybe I AM that good!! :-p
Phew. I don’t think it’s been an hour yet, but I think I’m done for today!!!
Later!!!
p.s. since I have to write EVERYDAY, and well, I can't ask my poor dad( not that he shouldn't, since he's the one who suggested it in the first place :-p) or poor Andy to read what I ramble on about, these posts will ( hopefully!) becme a regular feature here!!! yaayyy!! :)
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