and i thought the bliss would last.....

The world is so screwed up. So am i. Listening to U2 today. It’s funny how he’s ALWAYS right. I don’t like it..... sometimes. Scares me about some things. Things that i don’t think i want to talk about here. You know how you get the feeling that you’re not really sure if you’re doing the right thing. Well, i had the feeling since a long time. Now i think i’m sure. Haha. I think i’m sure. I’m not. but i don’t think i should be doing what i’m doing. I’m very scared of saying it to anyone though. I try to convince myself that once i’ve completed my time here, i can do what i want. The problem is, i don’t know what i want to do. There’s so many things. That’s all i have to say on this topic though.
Moving on.
At times, i like being alone. I like that i’ve grown out of getting caught up in these pretentious circles where everyone hates each other, yet, pretends not to. I like that even though i might have very few people i can count on, they are the kinds i could trust with my eyes closed. But then, there are times, when i don’t. I see people pretending to like me, and pretending to be my friend, when they’re actually not. That raises my expectations from them, and gives me a small ray of hope. What if they actually are honest, what if they genuinely do care? It’s not their fault of course. They were probably never taught anything more. But i was. I know better. And sometimes, i wish i didn’t. Like i asked my friend 2 minutes ago, which is better- pretending to care about people and having 5 of those friends, or not pretending, and having just 1 true friend? He of course, agreed with the latter, as do i, ideally. But we don’t live in an ideal world do we? All around, i see temptation. Temptation to give up my righteousness and my so-called ‘principles’, and talk to a few people. It doesn’t matter that their thinking is nothing like mine, or that half the time i speak they think i’m talking gibberish,or that i don’t relate to them at all. At least i’m comfortable. At least i can shut my eyes and bury my head in the false sense of security they provide.
It’s hard.
Makes me wonder why i’m the only one like this. Am i weird?? Or am i the only sane one? I wonder how people can make friends that easily, how they can relate to so many people. Why can’t i? Maybe i am right. Maybe i am insane.
I have so much to learn, or discover, or figure out, or whatever you want to call it. I’m off.